If you come anywhere near my children, I'll kill you myself.


I know all the best rehab centers. I'm totally addicted to that show Intervention.


Shane: Do you ever go back to right after dad died and wish you could do things differently?
Nancy: I try not to.
Shane: I do. All the time.

Don't tell anyone I was noble.


Andy: What is the glue that holds your relationship together?
Nancy: I don't even need the choices on this one. I'm gonna say Elmer's.

What about you? You ever take a trip down to girlie town?

Celia [to stylist]

Andy: If you don't cum, the terrorists win.
Audra: We can't have that.

I screwed up my kids.


Shane: Shane: Aaargh! Fuck you, fuck your mom in the ass with a screwdriver.

Silas: Silas: I get it. If I get shot in my jerk-off arm, I would be mad too.

Nancy: I think I'm happy for you.
Andy: I think I'm happy for you, too.

Be the baby!

Nancy [asking Andy to suck her nipple]

Weeds Season 5 Quotes

Celia: That was humiliating.
Rudolfo: I know. I'm sorry, I could not untie you.
Celia: You're supposed to wipe front to back

You're a slutty, irresponsible, slutty slut.

Andy [to Nancy]