Alan: This mean she's financially well off and doesn't care about your money.
Charlie: Which makes me trust her even less.
Alan: What!?
Charlie: Alan, think it through. If she's not interested in my money, then why is she marrying me?
Alan: I have no idea.
Charlie: Exactly, we may have to consider the possibility that Chelsea is insane.
Alan: I see your point.

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Charlie Harper, Alan Harper
Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 10: "That's Why They Call It Ball Room"
Two and a Half Men
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Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 10 Quotes

Alan: Did you have to grovel?
Charlie: Like a leper as a kissing booth.

Alan: What do I have to be depressed about?
Jake: You've been divorced twice, you're living on your brother's couch, and your only child is flunking tenth grade.
Alan: You're flunking tenth grade, when the hell did this happen?
Jake: Easy dude, I think you have bigger things to worry about.