Just another normal day. Josh sees women everywhere doing normal things and he has to go home and bust one out. His hand, however, doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. It's always the same. The laptop, the lube. He learns he was with one other kid, at camp, when he was asleep. Rosy (cause, she needs a name) leaves, prompting his other to pop off and go, too.
Liz is over for dinner. Mike texts. He better get hard, cause he's getting him hard tonight. Oh my. She thinks he should love himself first. The whole time, Mike is texting about having plenty of condoms.
First Mike forces them to pound a six-pack to waste time, then when he sees the line at the bar, he wants another five minutes to pound Mexican food. They get back to his place with four huge grocery bags, cook authentic food with cook books and a Mariachi band. Next? How about pounding a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle? Done!Even hanging on the wall, framed with their photo in Puzzle Aficionado. They can always read Infinite Jest.... The bouncer notices they're Mike and Josh, from the magazine. No shit!
Inside, divide and conquer the two clusters. He finds a hot chick at the bar. Sarah wants a cosmo. It's $38 for two of them. He won't be having one. She walks off. He's left with water. Meanwhile, Sarah is all over Mike. Why? Spiral eyes. The wizard who showed up on the day Mike hit puberty to show him how to do it apparently skipped Josh's house. Mike tries life in Josh's shoes. No thank you. Back to spiral eyes!
Even a poor fat bastard is in the bathroom buying condoms. Another one is puking and Josh realizes he'll be laid before Josh because he doesn't have the spiral eyes. As he's leaving, he runs into a tattooed gal who gives him a shot. And then a hell of a lot more. No spiral eyes needed.
They get home after doing some coke and he can't get it up. Why? Because it's GONE. He calls the cab. Nope. No dick. The bar chick doesn't see it, but the bartender has a little more luck when he finds it in the bathroom. He slips on it and it falls into his mouth and when he spits it out it lands in the toilet. To make a long story short, the last guy wasn't a great flusher and he wrestles a pitbull to save Josh's shit-covered dick. Yes, that happened. The bartender assured Josh he can be intimate in other ways.
Josh asks Crystal if she wants to have a long intimate conversation. Fair enough, he hates him too.
Mike shows up outside the bar, talking to Josh about how he crushed it with the hot girl and spilt about 6 gallons of his milk into her, oh he's loving the milk analogy. Too bad he left his credit card at the bar last night but he was so damn drunk! The bartender opens the door. Hey guys, here are your dicks!