Mike is freaking out over Josh's scoring a number on the train. When Josh says he's totally over Maggie, his lights start fluttering and whispering "Maggie," while a photo starts floating and cute pink razor blade starts crawling across the room. If he's over Maggie, why's he still have her stuff?
As the doors around his apartment pop open, it becomes apparent Josh has not let go. Mike hires an exorcist. When he finally arrives, Josh is tied to the bed with Maggie's items circling him in a menacing manner. The priest catches lipstick out of the air, "Ah! Maybelline!" "Maybe she's born with it, haha," Josh replies.
Even the priest thinks Josh having her stuff is pathetic and lame. When Maggie's bra jumps up to strangle him, he douses it with holy water and it burns. But Josh picked it out of the catalog... it was so cool.
When the exorcism is about done, they're discussing payment (Josh is Jewish) when a heart pillow in sunglasses jumps out of the closet. Josh can't just throw Mr. Heart into the trash. They won it at a fair! It even speaks. "I love you." Then it gets teeth and says, "Suck my dick," latching onto the front of Josh's face. The exorcism will not be over until he does the sex! Balls, dick. P in the V! As the priest yanks Josh's collar, he says he'll try to empty his balls, by putting his P into a V.
Josh wants to send a nice, normal text to Laura, but Mike wants him to send a text of his penis with a caption -- "Guess who." Josh decides he needs another opinion. He calls his sister Liz. She realizes it is, indeed, an emergency and cancels her afternoon. They gather in a room and go over possible texts to send. When they fail, Josh decides on a second opinion and go to the Center for Important Emergencies.
A well decorated military man named Bradley suggests the text must be cute, perhaps deploying an emoji, when a labcoated gentleman jumps in with the usage of things Josh has in common with Laura. This gets Liz excited. Nobody is impressed with her ideas. Bradley gets upset over punctuation, labcoat suggests 50 exclamation points, Bradley thinks they're screaming at her and all hell breaks loose.
Mike takes the stand. He wants a fully erect, in underwear, dick pic, with a quarter nearby to show its size. He suggests a regular text only leads to another dinner and another text. They need to get sex. If she doesn't want sex, then they need to now!!
As the table screams dick pic and pounds on the table, Josh admits it's not going to work for him. An idea pops into his head. He jumps up to the board. He starts writing (it's in all caps, Liz notes). Hi Laura, it's Josh, from the train, great meeting you, wanna get dinner Friday? It's just a normal thing, like someone would say. As Josh starts to type it on the phone, for real, he types traib instead of train, nearly giving Bradley a heart attack. As Josh corrects his mistake, Bradley pours a scotch and Josh wipes the sweat from his brow. Send is pressed and another man asks God to forgive them.
Send takes too long... the tension is excruciating. Josh Textwatch2015 is on the news. Crowds gather across the city and across the world. It's been 15 seconds. Even in the bathroom Laura should have seen the text by now. It drives Bradley over the edge. He needs to be sedated.
Laura responds! They're going out.
Josh cleans the apartment and makes a Laura Romantic Mix tape.
At the Chinese restaurant things are as awkward as they were on the train. He cradles a glass of water as if it may give him life. They compare their meeting to romantic comedies. Laura doesn't like her meal. She can just watch him eat, after all, she has water.
Things go farther downhill when she asks if he's gay and then suggests they split the bill. Afterward he receives a lot of texts asking about the date. The music playing? It's real, as there is a quartet standing in his kitchen. He won't be needing it.
The quartet man needs to use Josh's bathroom. To go number two. And they had pierogies for dinner. Lots of pepper top, creating a big storm in his tummy that's going to explode. It's going to be stinky. Josh isn't sure what to do with that information. But, fair warning, right? Does Josh have wet wipes? How about a wet towel? It shot out like a wet cannon. Can he come in?