Classic TV Quotes: The Sopranos Season One

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Say what you will about The Sopranos series finale, the show was definitely one of the most original and groundbreaking television concepts when it made its debut in 1999.

Tony Soprano and crew quickly became a staple of the 2000s and there were no escaping references to this pop culture icon.  Now the's time to relive all these moments with the best put together collection of The Sopranos quotes.

The Sopranos Pilot

We're starting with the show's premiere season, and will be going season by season over the coming weeks as we add every quote we can come up with.  Here are just some of our favorites from season one:

Livia: All I know is daughters are better at taking care of their mothers than sons.
Tony: Yeah, and I bought CDs for a broken record. | permalink
Tony: [My mother] was part of that generation who grew up during The Depression. But The Depression to her was like a trip to Six Flags. | permalink
Dr. Melfi: Have you ever had a prostate exam?
Tony: Are you kidding? I don't let anyone wag their finger in my face. | permalink
Dr. Melfi: What happens to a tree that's rotted out?
Tony: Trees, ducks. What the f**k are you, Ranger Rick? I'll tell you, some job you shrinks got. You think everybody is lying to you while you're pulling scams on them. | permalink
Randal: You couldn't prescribe something?
Dr. Melfi: I'm your date, not your doctor. | permalink
Junior: You heard about the Chinese godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand. | permalink
Meadow: Socially, I don't know. This one girl told me there's this saying, "Bates is the world's most expensive form of contraception."
Tony: Hey, what kind of talk is that? You mean the girls at the other colleges we've been to, they just put out? | permalink
Junior: I always thought you could make the pros. You could have done it. You had a swing like Joe D.
Tony: You're crazy.
Junior: What? You think I'm f**king you?
Tony: Yeah, I could barely hit .250.
Junior: That's because you didn't want it. Too busy chasing skirt. Chasing skirt, your average was .500. | permalink
Livia: They send you to a psychiatrist?
AJ: Yeah.
Livia: But that's crazy. That's all nonsense. That's nothin' but a racket for the Jews. | permalink
Carmela: I'm not giving you my engagement ring. This isn't stolen. Is it?
Tony: No, who do you think I am? | permalink
Carmela: Look at you at girls soccer, Tony.
Tony: What do you want from me? My only son's a couch potato. | permalink
Tony: What kind of person can I be where his own mother wants him dead? | permalink
Tony: Psychiatry and cunnilingus brought us to this! | permalink

Eric Hochberger is the programmer of TV Fanatic, so please forgive his mediocre writing. His programming is far better. Follow him on Twitter and/or email him. Just don't request threaded comments. They're coming.


The Sopranos Quotes

Paulie: You didn't go to hell. You went to purgatory, my friend.
Christopher: I forgot about purgatory.
Paulie: Purgatory--a little detour on the way to paradise.
Christopher: How long do you think we've got to stay there?
Paulie: That's different for everybody. You add up all your mortal sins and multiply that number by 50. Then you add up all your venial sins and multiply that by 25. You add that together and that's your sentence. I figure I'm gonna have to do 6,000 years before I get accepted into heaven and 6,000 years is nothin' in eternity terms. I can do that standing on my head. It's like a couple of days here.

Christopher: Let that one (points to Sandra Bernhard) call that one (points to Janeane Garofalo) "buchiach."
Janeane Garofalo: That sounds more interesting.
Director: Uh, buch- what?
Christopher: Buchiach. (motions to Sandra) If she's from Brooklyn...
Janeane Garofalo: That sounds okay.
Jon Favreau: Okay, let's roll. What does it mean?
Christopher: Cunt.
Jon Favreau: Cunt-I like that.