Baby dick. Shrimping. Boiling denim. Banging whores. Projectile blood vomiting.
Oh yeah... the depravity, half-baked schemes and hilarious underhandedness of Mac, Dennis, Dee, Charlie and Frank were back in full force in the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia season premiere, "Frank's Pretty Woman".
And thank God they're back to their old self-serving ways because after last season's half-assed laughs I was beginning to think that the sun was setting on Sunny.
Unless you've been hiding under a pile of kitten mittens, you know that Mac is now fat. Having gained over 50 pounds, his belly appeared on screen before he did. I honestly think Rob McElhenney dragged that trash bag full of Mexican food everywhere he went. Mac also developed Type 2 diabetes (or dia-beh-tess as he kept pronouncing it to Dennis' annoyance). Watching him chow down on a chimichanga while injecting himself with insulin had to be one of the skeeviest things I've seen on TV in a while.
And the funniest. Just remember it's not fat. It's mass.
Frank figured his ex-wife was a whore so why not marry the real thing this time. And Roxy was not a hooker with a hidden heart of gold. That girl had a cold hard nugget of crack in its place.The genius of the writing on Sunny is that they manage to take popular images that we hold so near and dear (Pretty Woman, Tiger Woods) and smear them into oblivion. Personally, I've always hated Pretty Woman, so the fact that the gang took that theme and screwed with it made me maniacally happy. Giving the "gay boy" his comeuppance was infinitely more pleasurable than watching Julia Roberts bare her horse teeth at the snippy salesgirl on Rodeo Drive.
It's hard to choose a favorite among these hooligans, but mine has always been Dennis. I don't know if it's his delusional vanity (model looks, really Dennis?!), exasperated over-the-top facial expressions or general know-it-all smugness, but Glenn Howerton always manages to turn what should make someone turn away into fascinating comedy.
How can you not like someone who chose crack over anything else in the world? Who derided Mac for mispronouncing diabetes and for eating chimichangas but then joined him in a gluttonous feast? Who did so many "hummingbirds" that he nearly passed out?
Charlie was as loveably moronic as ever. He's the idiot savant of the group... minus the savant part. CEO Hoss Bonaventure projectile vomiting was unexpected, but then again so was his idea of leaving the dead hooker propped up in the hallway. This coming from a person who drew enjoyment from boiling denim and swallowing too many blood capsules.
And Sweet Dee didn't fail to surprise. Always judging and then wanting to get in on the act, the minute she saw the wad of cash Roxy pulled out at the store, Roxy became more glamorous than Dee had ever pictured.
The perfect way for Dee to get into her second act. I loved the way she jumped all over the Tiger Woods-wannabe shrimper until she realized how much cash she could make from his foot worship. Who cared if her feet were the size of canoes. Bigger the foot, better the footgirl. And at $500 a rub, Dee was all over it.
Props go out to Roxy, portrayed by Alanna Ubach. Not sure if you want to be known as the actress who can best look like a used-up crack ho but that girl should win an Emmy.
Roy Orbison must've been turning over in his grave. Thursdays are decadently sunny once again! Tell us what you thought and read our list of Always Sunny quotes from last night!