Emerson: While we can appreciate and sympathize with your predicament, Mr. Herrmann...
The Great Herrmann: Please, call me Great.
Emerson: No.

Here I was just about to tell you all to shut the hell up, and the you stopped talking so I didn't have to.

Damn, woman, you got the kung fu grip.

Your mother had a hunch. I could gold-leaf my bathroom with what I made off my hunches.

Emerson: What got thee to a nunnery?
Olive: Oh, Emerson. You really want to know?
Emerson: Not especially. That was just my attempt at polite wee talk. Moment's passed, so let's talk compensation.

Emerson: I'm Father Dowling. These are my associates: Father Mulcahy and Sister Christian.

Emerson: Rule Number One: don't buy fish on Monday. Rule Number Two: Don't poke an angry German.

Chuck: If Mother Superior found Larue's shiny stash...
Ned: Then all it would take was one push, and the convent would be back... in black.
Chuck: By-proxy high-five.
Emerson: Get, before I by-proxy vomit.

Ned: Emerson needs me.
Chuck: Why? There's no dead body to wake up.
Emerson: Nice. Anyone not hear that.

Emerson: You know how to knock?
Georgeann Heaps: I did knock. I came in, I said to myself, "I hope this good man can help me, knock wood," and then I knocked. My name is Georgeann Heaps.
Emerson: It's my nature to reward pushiness with inattention, Mrs. Heaps.

That thing should have said, "If this van's a-rockin', I'm being murdered."

I'm goin' dose the both of you with a dose of shut-the-fudge-up.