Ray: Oh! So I'm good enough to drive y'all around?! Great! Maybe on the way we can stop off down the Piggly Wiggly!
Lana: When this is over, I really think you and I should have a nice long talk.
Ray: I'm sorry, am I forgetting my place?
Lana: Little bit.

Krieger: Alrighty, can someone give me a hand?
Cheryl: But Doctor, I thought the patient was getting the hand.
Krieger: Speaking of hands, Nurse, I'm -
Cheryl: Overplaying yours?
Krieger: Well I was gonna say "putty in yours" m'dear but I'll have to hand it to ya!
Cheryl: Hmm - keep your hands to yourself, Doctor.
Cyril: Can we have a show of hands? Who thinks this is getting out of hand?
Ray: Goddammit!! Can you please shut up - and sew on my robot hand!

I wouldn't even pay $2000 to get myself laid.

Pam: Cyril, you can lie to yourself...
Ray: Obviously, look at your sweater.

Ray: Good morning, this is Captian Ray Gillette welcoming you aboard from the flight deck. Flight time to Branson is about 3 hours--
Archer: No it isn't!
Ray: Shut up, and in the meantime..

Archer: Come on cyborg. RD2 it.
Ray: R2D2 it?
Archer: Yeah, probe around in there and whatever, shut down the tractor beam.
Ray: With what, my dick?
Archer: I....however you normally do it
Ray: I don't normally do it!
Archer: I know but this is an emergency.

Pam: Psst, Cyril rub one out.
Cyril: I do NOT want to masturbate
Pam: Not even after that (referencing Ray and Lana wrestling)

Lana: [to Archer] So will your feelings be super hurt if I bang him?
Ray: [from off-screen] Yes!!

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Lana: So how did you get the name Crash?
Crash: Oh it's a long story about me saving the lives of 8 other climbers right after an avalance
Lana and Ray (in unison): Sploosh

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Ray: Is this Brett's blood?
Cheryl: Ugh no, just the same type. We had to fudge it a little on the stains, some of which actually were fudge
Pam: And some of which merely resembled it

Ray: You thought I was dead?
Archer: Well, yeah, I just assumed...
Ray: And you didn't even take a moment!?

Cyril: If you finish that sentence, I'm going to rub cocaine in your eyes till you are blind.
Ray: Goddamn, Shawshank!

Archer Quotes

I swear to god you could drown a toddler in my panties right now.

Pam

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?