Why would you want to work for these Ivy-League white-shoe DC pricks? That's not who we are! We're the outsiders, the scrappy underdogs! We're Delta House, the Dirty Dozen, the Rebel Alliance, the Commitments! We're the Bad News Freakin' Bears, and our Lupus is an openly gay cyborg dying of sepsis in a wheelbarrow!

Slater: Okay Gillette, now just slip it in, nice and easy.
Archer: Ugh. I mean, what about, "that's what she said", can we at least do that?

Lana: Oh, so suddenly you don't have a death wish!
Archer: Lana, I've never had a deathwish, it's just that I don't believe that I personally even can die.

There's enough room in the world for science and miracles.

Dr. Sklodowska: ...we could just ask me, the woman who graduated from Harvard Medical School summa cum laude.
Archer: With a minor in Spanish Bragging.
Dr. Sklodowska: A, that was Latin.
Lana: He knows.

Archer: Seriously, where do you keep the fruity drink powder? I'd even take Rootin' Tootin' Raspberry.
Lana: How noble.
Archer: Well, no, I'd still bitch about it. And I think I've earned that right!

Lana: His left foot?!
Archer: Well that's good.
Slater: How could that possibly be good?
Archer: Well, relative to Krieger's asshole...

I decided to let Ray drive. With his racist robot monster hand!

Slater: You know what this is? (shows fist)
Archer: Your best gal?

Slater: You know what I don't have time for?
Archer: Shopping for clothes?

He's the one ashamed of his hand's heritage, not me!

Lana: I don't know, was someone else in here yelling their idiot head off about being in the CIA?
Archer: I don't know! Was someone else making out with Frodo P. Gryffindor here just to make someone else jealous?

Archer Quotes

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.