Archer

Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer
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Lana: I could start smoking crak today and he'd still turn out better than you.

Archer: Why is that, because I never had a father, Lana? So why don't you shut up and then also marry me?!

Krieger: I'll be your doctor.
Lana: Well, if I want Hitler's DNA spliced into him, I'll give you a call.
Kriger: Yeah, I'm around.

FBI Agent: So if I were you...

Archer: You'd get laid a lot more?

Archer: I thought you were gonna shoot me.

Lana: The day's not over.

Well, how hard could it be...if Mexicans can do it?

Malory

He died doing what he loved...getting shot.

Archer

Malory: I think I'll start shopping my memoirs! How does the title 'Secrets & Silk' grab you?

Sterling: Tightly...by my childhood's throat.

Lana: Screw you, Mr My-mother's-a-lying-bitch-and-I'm-too-stupid-to-realize-my-life's-a-pathetic-joke!
Archer: Nice to meet you, Mrs Hello-my-kid's-from-a-sperm-bank-since-I-can't-keep-a-man-because-in-addition-to-my-jillion-neuroses-I-have-a-weird-looking-vagina!

Cheryl: You're all jealous of my fall-back career!"
Pam: As what, an ACTUAL acorn?

Displaying all 9 quotes

Archer Season 5 Episode 1 Quotes

Lana: Screw you, Mr My-mother's-a-lying-bitch-and-I'm-too-stupid-to-realize-my-life's-a-pathetic-joke!
Archer: Nice to meet you, Mrs Hello-my-kid's-from-a-sperm-bank-since-I-can't-keep-a-man-because-in-addition-to-my-jillion-neuroses-I-have-a-weird-looking-vagina!

Cheryl: You're all jealous of my fall-back career!"
Pam: As what, an ACTUAL acorn?

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