I'm afraid I'm with Michael on this. The guy runs a prison. He can have any piece of ass he wants.


I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries.

Warden Gentiles

Lindsay: Did it ever occur to you that maybe Warden Gentiles likes her?
Michael: Likes her what?
Lindsay: No, I mean, likes her. Like, is attracted to her.
Michael: Who's the "her" in that sentence?
Lindsay: Mom. Warden Gentiles likes Mom.
Michael: Her?

I want to cry so badly, but I don't think I can spare the moisture.


It's a jet-pack, Michael. What could possibly go wrong?


Michael: The whole thing is a scam. Mom was just using that warden to try to get Dad out. She's not trying to seduce him at all.
Lindsay: Oh, no, she is. She's spending the night with him. She just called to ask me to bring her a tube of vag ... table paste.

Michael: Mom wants to sleep with the warden.
Gob: What? Oh, God!
Lindsay: Great.
Michael: Great? The man is old enough to be her contemporary, Lindsay.

Tobias: Oh, come on. Don't leave your Uncle T-Bag hanging!
George Michael: Please don't call yourself that.

I don't need to take my Mom to a gala, ok? Only losers go to those things with their parents. I'm going with my son.

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