Community Season 1 Episode 5: "Advanced Criminal Law" Quotes
You listen up, Pierce! I'm gonna tell you what my mother told me when I wanted to quit cheerleading. 'You're not very pretty, you have no boobs, and you can't do a basket toss to save your life.' But you made a commitment. So pick up your pompoms, Pierce, stuff your bra, and get ready for the team bus to forget you at a Taco Bell, because life is tough. But we soldier on, and that's just the way it goes
Annie
I failed Annie. I'm no more of a song writer than you or Billy Joel
Pierce
Jeff: Everyone on this campus is nuts
Leonard [in pool]: Not me!
Jeff: Oh come on Leonard, if you're going to argue with me, put on a bathing suit
Leonard: Busted
Britta: You're just doing all this because you want to have sex with me, you don't even want to be my friend
Jeff: Wait a minute. Is that what you thought I meant? Britta, look at me
Britta: I am
Jeff: No, look how handsome my face is. If all I wanted was sex, I could get it from plenty of women without having to go through all this crap. I'm here because I like you and I'd be psyched to be your friend. I just didn't want to take sex off the table without doing my due diligence
Professor Duncan [to Señor Chang in shower]: I'm sorry, do you mind if we have this conversation in a room less with balls? [to naked man in shower]: Though i must say you're very comfortable
Señor Chang: You shouldn't be
Professor Duncan: Not to be all particular, but you're not a professor
Señor Chang: Maybe because I don't look like Ron Weasley
Professor Duncan: That's the reason, that's the qualifying factor
Britta: I'm not gonna sit while some hokey tribunal gets its jollies judging me.
Jeff: Hey, if you show up with me, follow my lead, and deny everything, you'll walk. That's the Winger guarantee.
Britta: I get it. You think you're gonna save my bacon using your lawyer powers and send me into fits of grateful arousal.
Jeff: I can neither confirm nor deny that. See how good I am?
If I'm gonna cheat, I'm not gonna write information from a book on a piece of paper, that's practically learning for God's sake
Jeff
Jeff: So I guess the cell phone number you put on the study group contact sheet was fake, which I just learned in the awkward conclusion of a month long text message affair with a dude from boulder
Britta: Sorry
Jeff: That's okay, just give me your real number and I'll cleanse my pallet while Kevin rethinks his marriage
Professor Duncan: Good morning. How is student life, my dry-witted friend?
Jeff: Probably the same as teacher life, but less tragic, because I get to leave.
Professor Duncan: Very dry. Very witty. Not a great friend
Troy: I'm president Obama's nephew
Abed: You never mentioned that before
Troy: I didn't know if I could trust you, but now it's time to tell you everything, starting with we invented the Ferrari
