Evil
Sundays 10:00 PM on CBSEvil Quotes
Victor: You're late.
David: I didn't know I was on a schedule.
Victor: This is the holy Catholic Church. You're always on a schedule.
Welcome to the 6 am mass. Let us begin as we always do.
David
Eddie, my Eddie. Give me the clarity and wisdom to know how to stop this goddamned cock-sucking piece of mother-fuckin' shit. Oh, oh my God. Help me, help me. Help me, God.
Sheryl
David: What happened?
Scientist: I don't know, but he was medically dead for 56 seconds with a loss of 24 grams.
Monsignor: His soul left his body?
Ben: He's still 24 grams lighter.
Kristen: So he's walkin' around without a soul?
Monsignor: Obviously, he can't be without a soul because there he is.
I'm a medical mystery. [chuckles delightedly]
Frank
David: That was crazy.
Ben: Know what's even crazier?
Kristen: Oh gosh. I, I, I don't know if I have room for more.
Ben: The doctor said that she had stage 4 cancer ASPS, the same that Ignacious was dying of.
David: How's that possible?
Ben: I don't know. It was overlooked.
David: Or...
Ben: Yes, Father?
David: Maybe souls don't weigh anything. Maybe demons do. Maybe demons weigh us down.
Kristen: You're saying a demon left Ignacious during his near-death experience?
David: Yes. You pointed at the sensors near the roof. They were green throughout. What if that was the energy from the demon that left Ignacious? When the sister died, the demon possessed her. That's why she died heavier and with the cancer that left Ignacious.
Leland: Yes, Ms. Bouchard?
Kristen: Hello.
Leland: Hello. Would you mind backing up a few feet? [chuckles, while Kristen places an envelope on his chest] What is it?
Kristen: A restraining order. You've been served.
Leland: Monsignor. Can't we settle our disagreements without these ad hominem attacks?
Monsignor: Ms. Bouchard, this is not necessary.
Kristen: Oh, it's not a restraining order for me. I can take care of myself. It's for my 11-year-old daughter.
Monsignor: Excuse me?
Kristen: Mr. Townsend has approached my daughter at school on four separate occasions, and he's asked her to keep it secret from me.
Leland: Oh, this is-
Kristen: And he's also made her uncomfortable with his touch.
Leland: I did not. What are you talking about? This is insane.
Kristen: Luckily, one of my daughters took a photo, and that is why the court granted me this injunction.
Leland: That. That is a misinterpretation!
Kristen: I guess it's a good thing that the Catholic Church has no issues with older men touching children.
Andy: I don't know what you're about with your little voodoo dolls and all your stuff, but I don't want it near my family, so I want you out by the end of the week.
Sheryl: You're an ungrateful asshole, do you know that?
Andy: Yes, I do.
Sheryl: I've suspended my life to babysit for free. I've put everything on hold-
Andy: Congratulations, now I want you out.
Sheryl: Shut the fuck up. How dare you.
Andy: Yes, how dare I? How dare I be a husband?
Sheryl: Your time to be a husband was a year ago.
Andy: No, no, no. Listen, Sheryl. That doesn't work anymore, OK? The guilt trips, the nasty comments. Do I look affected by it? Now get the fuck out of my house.
Sheryl: Listen daddy, you don't want to get on my bad side.
Andy: Oh my God. You have a bad side?
Sheryl: You're on.
It's OK. Whatever it is, God forgives.
David
Kristen: Earlier tonight, I was on my way to kill him.
David: No you weren't. [Kristen uncovers the pickax]
Kristen: Can you hear confessions, David, right after you're ordained?
David: I can. Do you have something to confess?
Sister Andrea: This is a map of 60 demonic houses. All houses of Satan going back 60 decades.
David: OK.
Sister Andrea: They're like family crests, and each house needs to ensure its line of succession before the master of one house dies, he must guarantee a successor.
David: How does he or she do that?
Sister Andrea: He needs to be consumed, eaten.
Sister Andrea: This is from last week.
David: What was that?
Sister Andrea: A tail.
David: Oh my God. Why am I doing this? I wanted things to be normal! This is crazy!
Sister Andrea: No, David. Normal life is crazy. This is how things really are! [David grabs the booze and leaves]
