I don't know what this wife's problem is. If my husband had a big house like Jack Nicholson, he could put an axe in any door he wants to. Why? Because we have 500 other doors and a maze.

Jessica

• Permalink: I don't know what this wife's problem is. If my husband had a big house like Jack Nicholson,...
• Added: February 11, 2015

Eddie: Yo mom! You see Honey, ask her how those Skittles treated her.
Louis: Why are you giving women candy?
Eddie: Cause she's soooo sweet
Louis: Go to your room

• Permalink: Go to your room
• Added: February 11, 2015

Eddie: Hey girl, how you livin'
Honey: (responding in a baffled manner) I'm fine. Uh hi, I'm Honey.
Eddie: Yeah, you are
Jessica: Eddie stop acting weird.

• Permalink: Eddie stop acting weird.
• Added: February 11, 2015

Jessica: Eddie! That's very expensive. If you want to waste something, you waste water. Do not throw juice.
Eddie: Mom, get out of my fantasy!
Eddie: Jessica, water does not project success. Capri Sun does. As does Cattleman's Ranch Ribs. Great pork at a fair price. Come on flight girls. Try a rib tell a friend.
Jessica: This is not free! I'm going to charge you all!

• Permalink: This is not free! I'm going to charge you all!
• Added: February 11, 2015

Louis: Stop reading those books. Those stories give you nightmares.
Jessica: You know what gives me nightmares. Our bank account. Stephen King should publish my checkbook.

• Permalink: Stephen King should publish my checkbook.
• Added: February 11, 2015

Eddie: I had to find a way to fit in or be stuck eating lunch with the janitor and his kite
(cut to janitor)
Janitor: I'm just saying don't call it a fruit salad if it's nothing but melons.

• Permalink: I'm just saying don't call it a fruit salad
• Added: February 11, 2015