Gilmore Girls Season 2 Episode 17: "Dead Uncles and Vegetables" Quotes
Luke: Don't you have wakes for people you like?
Lorelai: I think it might be for you.
Luke: Am I dead?
Lorelai: Face it, Luke, people like you.
Luke: Shut up.
Lorelai: And with charm like that, how can they resist?
(At Louie's funeral)
Luke: That ain't me, is it?
Lorelai: What are you talking about?
Luke: What Taylor said about me being like Louie, a loner, never being married and stuff. I mean, I am getting crankier as I get older, he's not so far off.
Lorelai: You are not your uncle. I mean, would Louie ever build someone a chuppah, or help fix things around someone's house without being asked, or make a special coffee cake with balloons for a girl's sixteenth birthday?
Luke: Rory told you about that?
Lorelai: Yes. And would Louie have taken in his sister's kid without hesitating and without asking for anything in return?
Luke: No one would've trusted Louie with their kid. He probably would've forgotten to feed him or something.
Lorelai: You get my point?
Luke: Yeah, I get it.
Emily: Anyhow, it's obvious that wouldn't even be appropriate anymore being as I'm probably standing in your reception hall.
Lorelai: Excuse me?
Emily: Burgers and fries for the dinner? The bride walks down the aisle with a ketchup dispenser in her hand.
Lorelai: Please tell me what you're talking about.
Emily: I'm talking about Luke.
Lorelai: Luke? Mom!
Emily: Well, it's obvious, Lorelai.
Lorelai: No, it's not, Mom.
Emily: You're with him constantly.
Lorelai: He feeds me.
Emily: You bring up his name constantly.
Lorelai: Once again, he feeds me.
Emily: The moment he calls, you run to his side.
Lorelai: He's my friend, he needed me, I had to be there.
Emily: Yes, I know you did.
(After Lorelai and Rory walk into the town meeting late.)
Taylor: You really have to work on your punctuality, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in half an hour ago.
Lorelai: Uh, dirty!
(Lorelai and Rory show up late at a town meeting)
Taylor: Late again, are we?
Lorelai: Yes, I hope I'm not pregnant.
Rory: Where should the poached eggs go?
Luke: Crank in the hat.
Sy: Hey, I'm not a crank! You're a crank, crank!
Rory: He is a crank.
Kirk: Hello? How 'bout that coffee?
Lorelai: I got it.
Kirk: But, but mine's a quarter caf.
Kirk: Three-fourths decaf, one-fourth caffeinated.
Lorelai: I four-fourths don't care.
Kirk: Fill it up.
Michel: Nine rooms for Luke from Luke's Diner?
Lorelai: That's right.
Michel: French fry convention?
Lorelai: No, just personal.
Michel: Milkshake symposium?
Lorelai: No Michel, it's something personal and I'm vouching for him.
Michel: Soda pop seminar?
Michel: Pickle party?
Jess: Look, the crazy ballet teacher called and asked when Luke was getting back from the funeral, if I could unlock the door. I came down, I unlocked the door, then went back upstairs and back to sleep.
Rory: So you did do a little something.
Jess: I unlocked the door.
Rory: So that people could come in here and put this together. Nice.
Jess: Nice for them, not for me.
Rory: You facilitated it, you made it happen, so I guess that means that you're officially a part of our town now.
Jess: Hey, wait a minute.
Jess: I am not part of this town.
Rory: See you for some tree planting over at the Arbor Day Festival, buddy.
Jess: Yeah, well maybe I can knock over a liquor store while everyone else is planting those stupid trees.
Rory: As long as it's a liquor store in town, neighbor.
Lorelai: We're running out of coffee.
Luke: I'll make some more.
Lorelai: No, I got it.
Luke: Do you know how?
Lorelai: Do I... ugh... I am Cathy Coffee, mister, the bastard offspring of Mrs. Folger and Juan Valdez.
(Jess stumbles down the stairs)
Lorelai: Oh, you're very graceful.
Jess: She pushed me.
Rory: Sue me!
Jess: I could've broken my neck!
Rory: (hands him a pot) As long as it's not your arm, we need your arm.
Luke: (needing to leave so he can make further arrangements for a relative's funeral) I have to close up. Lorelai: No, you don't, you're covered. Luke: You don't have to do this! Lorelai: We don't mind, go! It'll give me a chance to number all the tables. Luke: (amused, appreciatively) Be my guest. Lorelai: Also, are they arranged like this for any particular reason? Luke: (gruffly) Don't change anything! Lorelai: It's totally not Feng Shui!