Dennis: We also have the bird with teeth.
Charlie: Wow, okay. And I'm assuming the teeth are fake, yes?
Dennis: Yes. Well they're not really human teeth if that's what you're asking
Charlie: No, I mean did you discover a bird with teeth in this fashion?
Dennis: That does not exist in nature.
Charlie: Okay, I'm not sure, but either way, good glue work.

Who gives a shit if gays want to me miserable like everyone else and get married. Let em do it. No skin of my ass.

Frank

Charlie: We'd be two cool, straight dudes married together.
Frank: Oooh. Well, I never thought of it that way. Two dudes getting married, that doesn't seem very gay.

No I don't eat dragon, cause, uh, it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man. But they don't eat us, it's a common misconception. They actually eat gold and treasure -- that's why they're always sitting on a pile of it.

Charlie

Dee: You've been really stressed so I thought I'd take you to a spa day. Just the two of us.
Charlie: A what day?
Dee: Spa day
Charlie: What is this word, spa? I feel like you're starting to a say a word and you're not finishing it. Spaghetti? Are you taking me to a spaghetti day?

Naked pics online? That's disgusting. On a website? There's so many of them though. Where? Which one?

Mac

Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so i was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to his position.
Principal: And you're looking for a job as a substitute teacher?
Charlie: Substitute janitor.

Dennis: I am having feelings again. Like some kind of fourteen year old kid. You remember, feelings right?
Mac: Yeah. I have feelings every single day of my life.
Dennis: Do you?
Mac: Are you saying you don't have feelings?
Dennis: What I'm saying is a built up a shell.. a shell around myself. A cold, calculated shell that couldn't be broken by anything but marriage.

Andrew Caine: And you are?
Mac: Vic Vinegar. Bodyguard. I don't shake hands, so don't even try.

He thunder-gunned the shit out of us!

Gang [referring to Frank]

Storm coming? Hatchet coming.

Charlie

Flight Attendant: You've drank 14 beers.
Frank: You don't know that!
Flight Attendant: It's written on your shirt.

It's Always Sunny Quotes

I gotta get my pump on.

Mac

Dee: Who slams a door?
Frank: Babies.
Dennis: That guy has some real growing up to do. Have some repect for Christ's sake... I am legend.