Your head of security just choked himself out.

Charlie

It’s really sad, but once your brain’s a piece of shit, it’s always a piece of shit

Dee

You are not eating a hoagie. You are just jamming meats and cheeses in your mouth.

Dee [to Frank]

Dee: Who slams a door?
Frank: Babies.
Dennis: That guy has some real growing up to do. Have some repect for Christ's sake... I am legend.

Dennis: I am having feelings again. Like some kind of fourteen year old kid. You remember, feelings right?
Mac: Yeah. I have feelings every single day of my life.
Dennis: Do you?
Mac: Are you saying you don't have feelings?
Dennis: What I'm saying is a built up a shell.. a shell around myself. A cold, calculated shell that couldn't be broken by anything but marriage.

Naked pics online? That's disgusting. On a website? There's so many of them though. Where? Which one?

Mac

Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so i was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to his position.
Principal: And you're looking for a job as a substitute teacher?
Charlie: Substitute janitor.

No I don't eat dragon, cause, uh, it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man. But they don't eat us, it's a common misconception. They actually eat gold and treasure -- that's why they're always sitting on a pile of it.

Charlie

Dee: You've been really stressed so I thought I'd take you to a spa day. Just the two of us.
Charlie: A what day?
Dee: Spa day
Charlie: What is this word, spa? I feel like you're starting to a say a word and you're not finishing it. Spaghetti? Are you taking me to a spaghetti day?

Mac: Fight Milk! The first alcoholic dairy based protein drink for bodyguards!
Charlie: By bodyguards! I drink it every morning so I can fight like a crow.

Andrew Caine: And you are?
Mac: Vic Vinegar. Bodyguard. I don't shake hands, so don't even try.

Let's pull up our bootstraps, oil up a couple asses, and do a little plowing of our own. POW! (gestures a fist punch up an invisible ass)... Not gay sex.

Mac

It's Always Sunny Quotes

Naked pics online? That's disgusting. On a website? There's so many of them though. Where? Which one?

Mac

No I don't eat dragon, cause, uh, it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man. But they don't eat us, it's a common misconception. They actually eat gold and treasure -- that's why they're always sitting on a pile of it.

Charlie