Dennis: I am having feelings again. Like some kind of fourteen year old kid. You remember, feelings right?
Mac: Yeah. I have feelings every single day of my life.
Dennis: Do you?
Mac: Are you saying you don't have feelings?
Dennis: What I'm saying is a built up a shell.. a shell around myself. A cold, calculated shell that couldn't be broken by anything but marriage.

With real power comes real responsibility and I don't want any of that shit. I just want the money and the illusion of power. And puss.

Dennis

Naked pics online? That's disgusting. On a website? There's so many of them though. Where? Which one?

Mac

Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so i was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to his position.
Principal: And you're looking for a job as a substitute teacher?
Charlie: Substitute janitor.

Mac: I gained and lost 60 pounds in 3 months.
Therapist: That's almost impossible.
Mac: Well, through God all things are possible, so jot that down.

What do you say we slip into a room....and you two split me open like a coconut?

Byron

Dee: You've been really stressed so I thought I'd take you to a spa day. Just the two of us.
Charlie: A what day?
Dee: Spa day
Charlie: What is this word, spa? I feel like you're starting to a say a word and you're not finishing it. Spaghetti? Are you taking me to a spaghetti day?

Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

(After Charlie throws away a girl's number)
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing, dude?
Charlie: What?
Mac: What are you doing?
Charlie: Ah.
Mac: That girl is gorgeous. She's like the perfect opportunity to show that we are not racist. She probably has friends for me.
Charlie: Well, come on. If anything, I think we should be focused on black men, first of all.
Mac: What?!

I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody's having sex, I just don't care.

Dennis

What's going on is that you just drank a cup of poison.

Charlie

Sweet Dee: How could you not tell me you were gay?
Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor!

It's Always Sunny Quotes

Let's pull up our bootstraps, oil up a couple asses, and do a little plowing of our own. POW! (gestures a fist punch up an invisible ass)... Not gay sex.

Mac

Naked pics online? That's disgusting. On a website? There's so many of them though. Where? Which one?

Mac