Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern-family

Jay: You want scary? When I was his age I lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis. I slept with a butter knife under my pillow in case I had to fight some Soviet colonel.
Gloria: Why?
Jay: Because I could identify all the Commi planes.
Gloria: What are we talking about?!?

Listen, when my granddaughter's boyfriend's band plays an under-21 club with my daughter-in-law's brother's gay partner, I show up. That's just how I was raised.

Frank

No, I don't love the dog. I love my couch and the dog was looking at it like it was a giant sausage.

Claire

I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers; it turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.

Phil

He sheds. I made the mistake of letting him sleep with me on the road. Now my sheets look like two bigfoots did it.

Frank

Was that the alarm? Has our perimeter been breached?

Manny

Phil: Dad, what's up?
Frank: Nothing, but these boxers are starting to ride high.
Phil: I'm in no mood for jokes... although that was a good one. You still got it.

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