Jay: Let me tell you about a little innovation called Netflix. You'll never miss another movie again.
Marty: Really?
Jay: Hand to God. You pick a film on your computer. Three days later, there's a disc in your mailbox. You gotta stay up with technology, Marty!
Marty: Wow. Thanks... [to his wife] Can you believe he doesn't know about streaming? If I ever get that out of touch? Kill me.

Mitchell: Aaaaaah! I can't even believe I'm talking to you right now!!
Barbara Streisand's Voice: Please. I'm just a regular person like you. I have people put on my pants one leg at a time.
Mitchell [wheezing and clapping]: That's so funny!

Gloria: What is wrong with you today?
Jay: I'm sick of Marty lumping me into the same age category as him! Guys like us, back in our day. I'm a baby boomer for God's sake. I know all the words to Light My Fire!

When you see my movies later, you're going to realize this is a special moment.

Ray Liotta [while posing for a selfie]

Ray Liotta: Goodfellas! Something Wild. Field of Dreams?
Luke: Never seen it.
Alex: We're really not that old.
Mitchell: Ray Liotta is a really fine actor, and we have taken up enough of his time...
Ray Liotta: Quit saying my full name like you have to tell them who I am.
Mitchell: Well...

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Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.

Alex: Focus people, what does Uncle Mitchell like?
Haley: I don't know, gay things, right? What's a gay think you can think of?
Luke: Ha. He's married to it.

It's getting a little warm in here. Do you mind if we crack a window? Unless I've already done that with my head...

Mitchell [while blindfolded in the backseat of a speeding car]

Claire: You can't just roll over on someone because it makes you uncomfortable!
Phil: Whatever you want.

Phil: Trust me I'm cool as a cucumber. Something about the coat just knows what my body needs.
Claire: You're sweating like a heroin addict.

Mitchell: The family has been mocking us relentlessly all year.
Cam: Nicknames like Screeches and Herb, Simon and God-awful, Nickelback.

I want a White Christmas. You know, like white people have.


Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


That's the funny thing about marriage, you fall in love with this extraordinary person and over time they begin to seem ordinary. I think it's all the nagging.