Our family is an experiment to you, Rabbi?

Bess [to Lionel]

Mr. Schapp: What are you telling me?
Alvin: You're leakin' silver.

Herman: [The Klan] are certified idiots that you don't need to worry about.
Philip: But if we move to Kentucky ...

That's how this happens. Everyone's afraid.

Bess [to Herman]

Do you think a life insurance company can stand up to Charles Lindbergh, the big man in the little plane?

Herman [to Bess]

Mac: Where'd you learn that?
Alvin: I'm from Jersey.

This is not a game.

Herman [to Philip]

If this were the South, you Jews would be out back riling up the niggers.

Henry Ford [to Lionel and Evelyn]

We can dress them up and take them to a party but we can't make them enjoy themselves.

Anne [to Evelyn]

You're narrow-minded ghetto Jews.

Sandy [to his parents]

Am I your best friend now?

Selden [to Philip]

Herman: Got any luggage?
Alvin: Sure, in the baggage car. Where you do think my leg is?