Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like, "Look at these two totally normal roommates. I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face.

Jess

You question my pajamas? You make me question our entire friendship!

Jess

What happened to guys in this bar? Did they open a bus station next door?

Jess

Why are you wearing a suit? Did you just apply for a loan or somethng?

Jess

Jess: The only anti-depressant you need is in my pants!
Guy: It's really a medical issue.

Jess: Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing.
Nick: That's the only thing in the world I know to be true.

Life's messy. It kicks you in the ass. That's right, I said ass.

Jess

I am throwing Cece's surprise bachelorette party here tonight, and the only males invited are strippers, so oil up or get out, guys.

Jess

Jess: I have to show Nick...something in the bathroom.
Nick: It's tiles...I'm so bad at lying! It's for sex!

I don't think the badger's actually rabid, I think he's just kind of a dick.

Jess
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