Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like, "Look at these two totally normal roommates. I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face.

Jess

You question my pajamas? You make me question our entire friendship!

Jess

What happened to guys in this bar? Did they open a bus station next door?

Jess

Jess: The only anti-depressant you need is in my pants!
Guy: It's really a medical issue.

Why are you wearing a suit? Did you just apply for a loan or somethng?

Jess

Life's messy. It kicks you in the ass. That's right, I said ass.

Jess

I am throwing Cece's surprise bachelorette party here tonight, and the only males invited are strippers, so oil up or get out, guys.

Jess
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