I am throwing Cece's surprise bachelorette party here tonight, and the only males invited are strippers, so oil up or get out, guys.


Jess: If we're all really honest with ourselves, isn't it all about the gonads? Am I right, ladies?
Ladies: No!

You question my pajamas? You make me question our entire friendship!


So, would you like to freak?


Jess: The only anti-depressant you need is in my pants!
Guy: It's really a medical issue.

Life's messy. It kicks you in the ass. That's right, I said ass.


Burquas isn't you guys, is it?


I don't think the badger's actually rabid, I think he's just kind of a dick.


Jess: What's next? What do we do?
Nick: I'm really fighting the urge to buy you a lobster dinner.

Jess: How many times a day does Schmidt text you?
Nick: Oh, no, just like...40.

Jess: Oh my god! I thought he was taking you to jail!
Nick: Naw, it's resort jail, and it's not so bad. They let me watch "Ugly Betty."

Why are you talking to me like a James Taylor song?

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 35 in total

Zooey Deschanel Quotes

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!