Jersey Shore Review: "Where's the Beach?"

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A special Monday edition of Jersey Shore will do strange things to you. Like make you get up at 5:30 the next day to make sense of all the hilarious Jersey Shore quotes.

In all seriousness, though, MTV. Stop. Do not do this again.

Even our favorite guilty pleasure needs to be rationed out a little. Two episodes in a week? Not sure I have the mental capacity to handle this again come Thursday.

Criminal Annoyance

Snooki. One word says so much.

That said, this was one of the show's better episodes. It was right in the wheelhouse, with great one-liners, bizarre terminology, drunken debauchery and promiscuity.

That's what Jersey Shore is all about. Disgusting, yes. But what it's all about.

The tide finally turned for Sammi and Ronnie. In short, Sammi's distrust of Ronnie was eclipsing her hatred of Snooki. That b!tch SO turned them against each other.

Snooki was in rare form, hammered and eating a raw potato for everyone's amusement. She then tries to help Deena get with Mike by offering up a threesome plot.

Deena's just not a holiday that The Situation observes. The Holiday Inn? Perhaps. If he's desperate enough and needs a place to end up at the end of the night ... eh?

Speaking of getting shot down, Vinny negged Snook because he didn't want to take advantage of her. The man has some serious morals. Time to leave Seaside.

Sammi and Ronnie went their separate ways to blow off steam. Ron and Mike both agreed that Sammi was the impetus of the problem. Brilliant deduction there.

Sammi, Pauly and Snooki, meanwhile went to "work." The whole work thing is ridiculous. Why even make them go through the motions? Clearly Snooki agrees.

More on that briefly. Sammi finally apologized to Snooki, realizing that what Snooki had been telling her was true, and she was looking out for her in the end.

Then it was Deena's turn. Sammi is sorry about the way she treated her too. But no JWoww. No way. No chance. Not even remotely. That's gonna be awkward.

At Karma, Pauly's prediction rang true when Deena was just sloppy enough to get booted from the bar within ten minutes of getting there. Maybe a new record.

JWoww keeps getting being on these angry phone calls with Tom and running into her ex, Roger, at the club only to land upstairs with Snooki, peeing on the floor.

"DTF-O-Meters" were spiking all night as Vinny getting some. Ronnie pounded some burgers late night. Single Ronnie is back. At least for the next 10 minutes.

Snooki's epic drunkenness really carried the night, though.

After an epic bender the night before, having not even changed clothes, Snooki was too far gone for the girls to deal with. The beach suddenly caught her eye.

A faceplant in the sand, a visit by the cops, a gesture that Snooki took offense to and lack of anything other options by law enforcement landed her in jail.

Until next week and the bail money is collected ...

Pauly: My prediction is somebody needs to carry her (Deena) out of the club tonight. | permalink
Snooki: Old people, they lose their sex life and that's not a fun time... that's why people always get divorced. | permalink
Pauly: Seaside's so beautiful! Look at the garbage! | permalink
Ronnie: I need a mind condom because I'm being mind f*%ked. | permalink
Snooki: Stop caring and f*%k me! | permalink
Mike: It's like having chicken put on the table with salt and pepper, then somebody takes away the chicken and then you're left with salt and pepper. | permalink
Vinny: She's begging for Seabiscuit. Like literally. Begging. | permalink
Snooki: If I want a beer, then I can have a beer. This isn't law school, it's a t-shirt shop. | permalink
Mike: Deena likes to call herself a 'Holiday,' I call her 'The Holiday Inn.' | permalink
JWoww: She's like a 3,000-pound man. She's like a bulldozer. | permalink
Snooki: Seriously, like, who pees in a bar? | permalink
Deena: I keep getting camel toe, I feel. | permalink
Snooki: My vagina's out. | permalink
Mike: We just got chemistry, you know? And I'm not talking about the class. | permalink

Where's the Beach? Review

Editor Rating: 3.0 / 5.0
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User Rating:

Rating: 3.1 / 5.0 (10 Votes)

Steve Marsi is the Managing Editor of TV Fanatic. Follow him on Google+ or email him here.

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Jersey Shore Season 3 Episode 3 Quotes

[to Sammi] Oh my God, bitch. You're such a whore. Why were you like that?


A lot of guys might think I'm crazy for not wanting to [have sex with Snooki].