Congratulations (or should I say Whaboom!) Rachel Lindsay on completing your journey to find love!
Now, it's our turn to watch and critique every rose you hand out, judge every shameless plug ABC forced on you and decide whether or not you and your new fiancé (yes, Rachel already confirmed she is engaged) will make it.
The Bachelorette Season 13 Episode 1 marked the beginning of Rachel's attempt to find a husband, and after news broke Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell recently called it quits, the show returned just in time to remind Bachelor Nation
true temporary love exists.
Of course we can't start Rachel's journey without seeing her prepare for her new role (I mean we totally could have cut straight to the limo entrances, but ABC likes to play hard to get).
It's sort of like watching an America's Next Top Model competition or a CoverGirl ad, but it's harder to look away. Maybe it's because Rachel is so likable? Or maybe it's Maybelline.
Chris Harrison (with darker hair?) tells us that this is going to be an "exciting" season. I hope we're not trading "dramatic" for "exciting" because then I'd have to edit my drinking game rules.
Back to our new lead, who is adjusting to her life in front of the cameras well. (Almost too well. Do I smell another season of Freeform's Happily Ever After?)
I'm sweet. I'm also sour. I'm sassy. Yet classy.Rachel
Rachel is an attorney and in case you forgot, the editors included a fake courtroom scene to remind you. I understand the idea behind it, but Rachel sounded more like Elle Woods when she yelled "Objection!" than a real lawyer.
The flashbacks to her season of The Bachelor just reminded me (and all of America) that she was way too good for Nick Viall. (No offense to Vanessa, who I'm fairly certain is already back in Canada sans Nick V, so she might be catching on that she was too good for him too).
There are also flashbacks to Rachel meeting four guys on the After The Final Rose special earlier this year. Raise your hand if you still feel personally victimized by Chris Harrison for springing that on us with no warning.
I feel like I'm in the movie Clueless right now.Rachel
Before Rachel pulls up to the mansion, she gets advice ("don't sleep with everyone!") from a random older woman. (As random as the woman in the grocery store who asked Lauren B. about JoJo... yes, I did watch the previously mentioned Happily Ever After?).
Regardless, it's a funny moment and Rachel reacts perfectly.
And as if Rachel wasn't likable enough, she's bringing her dog (with an injured foot) with her on her "journey."
Finally, it's time to meet the men.
Kenny aka Pretty Boy Pitbull is a wrestler with a 10-year-old daughter. I question anyone who would give themselves the nickname "pretty boy," and anyone who would leave their kid for a reality show, but he seems innocent enough. And I'm calling a wrestling date now.
Jack Stone is a lawyer (just like Rach!) from Dallas, Texas (also like Rach!). I'm predicting they bond over those characteristics and he goes far enough to open up to Rachel about losing his mother. Otherwise, that montage of him starring into space reflecting on her death was a waste.
Alex is a "meat head" who likes to code and read at the gym. Alex isn't making it into the top 20.
Enter Bollywood dance Mohit who doesn't stand a chance. (Sorry Mo, but if you make it to Paradise you can probably get on Dancing With The Stars!)
Speaking of Paradise, Lucas aka "Whaboom" definitely already has a ticket to Mexico booked.
Blake is a personal trainer (there's one... or 10 in every Bachelorette crowd) and Diggy has 575 pairs of sneakers.
I would say scientifically my libido is above average.Blake
And now a seamless transition into the saddest story ever about Josiah. His older brother's suicide lead him down a bad path and he was arrested when he was 12. #FromWhaboomToDeath #OnlyTheBachelorette
Don't worry though, now he's working to clean up his old neighborhood and will probably make it to the Top 5 on The Bachelorette.
See ya later, litigator.Josiah
That's a wrap on intro packages because if we saw all 31, this show would be five hours long. However, I think the ones they don't show should be available online (I'd even pay extra!
No A little shame!).
Corinne, Alexis, Raven and a bunch of other ladies from Nick's season who I don't recognize come to the mansion to give Rachel advice on how to be The Bachelorette.
They're better off giving advice on how to sell SugarBearHair gummies, but whatever, any opportunity to see Corinne again... but if she was a real friend she would have loaned Rachel Raquel for the season.
Don't judge anybody if they come in a costume.Alexis
One of the girls reveals that Sarah (another contestant from Nick's season) knows DeMario and he isn't going on the show for the right reasons. I'm shocked!
Peter is the first one out of the limo, and sparks are flying. I can't help but remember that Lauren B. was the first one of the limo for Ben, and there's something to be said about your first!
However, he's also from Wisconsin and Rachel already broke up with one Packers fan this year. A hometown date full of good cheese (and without Nick's giant family) could probably change her mind though.
I'm also down for this duo because they can also go to the dentist together. Maybe Cupcake from Kaitlyn's season will give them a two-for-one deal or a Bachelor family discount. (Kidding.)
We both have gapped teeth which I love, obviously.Peter
The dude who dressed up as Urkel (Will) looked ridiculous and not just because he followed a sexy firefighter (Bryce) and hot Colombian (Bryan).
There's a 0% chance Rachel remembers any of the guys she met at After The Final Rose, but it's kind of hilarious to see how jealous the other men are that they got a "second chance" at a first impression.
I'm the number one seed. Period. I'm gonna win!DeMario
They're also jealous of Blake E. who just entered with a marching band and calls himself an "aspiring drummer" so nothing surprises me anymore.
Fred brought his old yearbook and revealed when he was in 3rd grade, Rachel was in 8th grade at the same school. She doesn't seem that into him, probably because he just pointed out how much older she was than him on national TV. Silly Fred!
Jonathan's occupation is "Tickle Monster" and he is honestly so creepy. I wonder what his ex-wife thinks of his new career on The Bachelorette (and his inevitable new career selling Tickle Me Elmo on Instagram).
Lee came out of the limo with his guitar, so he must be STOKED that American Idol is coming back on ABC. He should start a boy band with James Tyler and Luke Pell from JoJo's season.
I know I ain't Bieber, but I'm a believer.Lee
Adam brought his doll, Adam Jr., and it will probably show up behind the bar on Bachelor In Paradise. Watch out, Jorge!
Matt showed up in a penguin suit, so he should probably just head right to Mexico and ask Alexis (dolphin/shark girl) on a date.
Jedidiah quoted the Bible, and it made me realize how many of these guys have names that sound like they belong on 19 Kids and Counting (Jedidiah, Josiah, Jamey... I hope the Duggars are taking notes).
Kenny pointed out that all of the men seem cool, so naturally, it's time for Whaboom to arrive. I want to know who on production let him have a megaphone, and who let him wear a tank top.
It's all about Whaboom.Lucas
Josiah is the first one to steal Rachel away, and it takes him about 10 seconds to tell his story. Dean went next and for a lighter approach, which taught all of us that Rachel doesn't know how to build a sand castle.
Adam Jr. (the doll) is getting more screen time than half of the men, and its creepy French accent is going to haunt my dreams forever.
Bryan, the Spanish-speaking "troublemaker," went in for the first kiss. It was a bold move, and he's my early call for the next Bachelor.
Post-kiss is the perfect time for Chris Harrison to enter with the first impression rose (on a gold plate, of course) and make all of the men freak out.
Mohit is the token drunk guy, but Whaboom is stealing all of the attention. #LetDrunkMoHaveHisMoment
Speaking of Whaboom, Blake E. is trying to expose him for being there for the wrong reasons, but everyone knows the person who focuses on the other contestants is always one of the first people to be sent home.
After I get the first impression rose, y'all catch me outside, how bout dat.Josiah
Bryan ends up getting the first impression rose, and #DrunkMo oversees their second kiss! Too bad he is too blacked out to tell anybody else and start drama.
It's time for the first rose ceremony, and I'd like to ask Chris Harrison to never let over 30 contestants be on one season again... especially if half of them look the same.
Notable men who didn't get a rose are Mohit, Blake K. and Milton, but they will probably gain enough followers to sell DIFF Eyewear on Insta. (I mean they won't be able to design their own pair of sunglasses, but not everyone can make it to final-four level fame!)
Speaking of the final four, my best guess for Rachel's top men are Peter, Bryan, Bryce and Eric (based on the previews).
Don't forget you can watch The Bachelorette online via TV Fanatic.
Sarah Hearon is a staff writer for TV Fanatic. Follow her on Twitter.