Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: (surprised look) They love him! How can they love him?
Artie: Who cares, we're gonna make a fortune.
Alan: Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?
Artie: (shrugs) He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.
(to Berta) I just don't understand what kind of spiteful god could allow my drunken whoremonger of a brother to become a children's singing star while I toil away in poverty-stricken anonymity.
Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: Utopia.
Alan: Stop going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Jake: Stop being so cheap and we'll talk about it!
Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.
Alan: Wait till he tries on the underwear I bought for him.
Charlie: What's that?
Alan: A decorative bowl. I thought it would be perfect to keep our keys in.
Charlie: Well, I don't like it. Take it back.
Alan: But it was on sale.
Charlie: I don't care if you got it free with a subscription to Ugly Bowl Illustrated.
Alan: Decor? You call this decor?
Charlie: What would you call it?
Alan: Random crapola.
(describing Charlie's knick-knacks) The deep sea helmet, the fake jazz posters—add an old snow sled and a couple of baseball pennants, you could open a T.G.I. Friday's!
Alan: What about this umbrella stand that has no umbrellas?
Charlie: A girl gave me that, too.
Alan: Another great weekend?
Charlie: No, it was raining.
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!
Alan: Obviously, we disagree about my role in this household.
Charlie: We sure do. You think you have one, and I don't!
Charlie: You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid, flowered towels in my guest bathroom!
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty. They brighten up the whole room.
Charlie: They're gay, and they scream "civil union!"
