Ziva: I remember my first fight. I was eight. Shmuel Rubinstein.
Tony: Sounds like a real stud.
Ziva: One punch and it was over.
Tony: What did poor Shmuel do to deserve the wrath of Ziva?
Ziva: He said he liked me.

Doug: Stop talking to me like that.
Tony: Stop lying to me like that.

[to Ziva] Think about it. First you had your little Miami vice, now Prince Albert in a can. Oh, they can't help it. You're just a walking Israeli love machine.

Deena Bashan: Why should she have the man that she loves when she took mine from me?
Tony: I'm going to find her.
Deena Bashan: Ziva is gone Agent DiNozzo. When she left me that night she was not the same person.

McGee: If you don't like my rules you can find someone else to drive you in.
Tony: All I wanted was to stop for coffee. I was willing to treat.
McGee: No one eats or drinks in my car.
Tony: Well I guess sex is out of the question.

Gibbs: The plane's missing.
Tony: It's been Kai-jacked!
Ziva: Did you really just say that?
Tony: I regret it already.

Ziva: DiNozzo, pull it together.
Tony: Kids. This is way above my pay grade. I spent the afternoon in a child care clinic when I almost lost my life.
Ziva: Stop stop stop stop. We're doing the director a favor, okay? We just need to be here, we need to be normal. Can you just please do that for a few hours?
Tony: Sure. Fine.
Ziva: Fine.
Tony: Only because you asked nicely.

(in an "anchorman" voice) In a tragic story of obsessive hobbying turned deadly, an NCIS Agent was discovered in his basement crushed between a large, homemade boat and an even larger bottle of bourbon. Film at eleven!

McGee, stroke my plumage.

Tony: Tell me. What can I do? What do you need?
Ziva: Revenge.

Ziva: These chocolates are delicious!
Gibbs: Hey, dad. Stop making my team fat.
Ziva: Gibbs, why didn't you tell us your father was coming?
Gibbs: I didn't think he'd actually show. Go ahead, have another one, bubble butt.
Tony: It's my metabolism slowing with age.

Tony: I have to break one of your rules, boss. Number six: never say you're sorry. I let things get out of control in the hotel room.
Gibbs: Ah, it's covered. Rule eighteen.
Tony: Oh, yeah. It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission. Am I forgiven?
Gibbs: No.

NCIS Quotes

I'm more of a Super-Mario guy, myself.

Captain Wescott

Ducky: Forgive me, Mr. Palmer, but I can’t resist the urge to give you one of my all-time favorite pieces of advice: “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”