Tony: Wow. Wowsers.
Diane: This is not what it looks like.
Fornell: Right. We were just...
Gibbs: No. I do not need the details.
Tony: I wouldn't mind a few details.

Tony: Raise your arms. Please. Ma'am. Just remember I have mouths to feed. Two goldfish. I'm their only source of income. They're awfully cute.
Porter: Relax, DiNozzo. I'm as anxious about this as you are.

Tony: So you got twenty-five pages of national security strategy from inside a breakfast cereal.
Allie: In order to better prepare for attacks I dream up threats that haven't happened yet.
Tony: This dream came true.

Flynn: Jeff Daniels wasn't in Tron, that was Jeff Bridges.
Tony: Flynn, you are a fan.

Bishop: Actually, I should get back to NSA.
Tony: You're not getting off that easy. Gibbs likes rules too. #45: always clean up your mess.

Bishop: It doesn't make any sense.
Tony: What now, Russell Crowe? Hasn't your beautiful mind gotten you in enough trouble today?

McGee: You ever going to get a new car?
Tony: Well, firstly I never buy new cars. Secondly, I need something that ignites my passions. It's like a woman: I need to be in love before I commit.
McGee: You've never committed to a woman.

Tony: Listen, I know I made fun of you in the past for riding the bus, but I have to admit I was wrong. I've been using public transporation and I really like it.
McGee: You're kidding.
Tony: No. I have time to read, make some calls....and best of all, I get to watch people. People are fascinating.
McGee: Okay Tony I'm...I don't even know what I am right now. But I know you, and this is not you.

Gibbs: DiNozzo - check out Olivia Chandler.
Tony: With pleasure. Thank you boss.

Lodge owner: I swear, the old witch is psychic. If I have so much as a thought of another woman...
Tony: You don't have to answer that.
Lodge owner: I have to.

McGee: Tony what's going on? Do you have a drinking problem?
Tony: No. No, I just....I joined this men's support group. Meets in the church hall two nights a week.
McGee: You serious?
Tony: Uh huh. I know - it doesn't sound like me. But, with the past year I just wanted to shake things up a little bit. Meet some new people. This guy at the gym told me about the group and I thought it sounded like a good idea. And it is. It's fun. The Rev drove me to Quantico the other morning. Interesting guy. He's helping me be less judgemental.

Tony: Sgt. Dunne, Olivia Chandler and Wendell Kaiser all have one thing in common. They all go to AA meetings.
McGee: Probably where they met.
Tony: The sergeant and the trophy wife are lovers. The desk clerk at the Chevy Chase Lodge said that they were regulars. It's just like that movie "Body Heat". William Hurt and Kathleen Turner. God. She was really something, boss. A head turner. Anyway, they were young lovers and they wanted the rich husband's money and him out of the way.
McGee: On the other hand, you've got Wendell Kaiser who's deep in debt to his bookie and needs him off his back.
Tony: So they help each other and switch murders.
McGee: While Kaiser was in New York, Dunne killed the bookie with Olivia's help. She drove him. Her car was in the vicinity. Who would ever suspect them? I mean there's no connection, no motive.
Tony: Tomorrow, Sgt. Dunne is going to deploy. Olivia Chandler's off to Jamaica. And I'm betting that while they're away, her husband's going to have a terrible accident at the hands of Mr. Kaiser here - a man with whom he has no connection.

NCIS Quotes

McGee, not me? McGoo, you?

Tony

Flemming: Director, it's *my* life.
Vance: And we're gonna protect it. [beat] You're welcome!