Okay, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but golly Moses, she's a muffin

Berta [upon seeing Kandi sunbathing]

Charlie: I want to share this with my entire family.
Berta: Okay, I'm leaving.
Charlie: Berta, I consider you part of my family.
Berta: Am I in your will?
Charlie: No, but neither are the rest of them

I find just a couple of Valiums in my coffee keeps me from snapping necks

You spent all that money on an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house and you're not allowed inside either one of them

Berta [to Alan]

Alan: I'm a victim here.
Berta: Oh, yeah, you've got victim written all over you.
Alan: But does my brother sympathize?
Berta: Do Catholic priests make good babysitters?

Berta: You mind if I take your room?
Alan: Gee! You want to take my room, I...
Berta: Trust me, you would want me to have a room with a private crapper

Berta: You know, you've got a great view here.
Charlie: You're just noticing?
Berta: My days here are spent looking at dirty toilets and washing horse starch you call sheets

Alan: Charlie's coming to work with me.
Berta: Why?
Alan: He's helping me around the office.
Berta: You wanna bet?

Berta [about Charlie]: He just getting home?
Alan: Yeah.
Berta: You really have to wonder how long he can keep burning that penis at both ends

What's the oompa loompa doing here on a weekday?

Berta [about Jake]

Charlie doesn't go near sick women, I mean physically sick. Around here, one sneeze will get you cab fair and a travel mug

Charlie [to Norman]: I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
Charlie [to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?
Berta: I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.