Charlie: (To Courtney) I guess I could come by and take a peek at it.
Berta: First a peek, then a poke.

Berta: Did Teddy tell you to stay away from his daughter, too?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, why would he?

Berta: Here we go, Blue Eyes. I made it myself.
Teddy: Thank you.
Evelyn: Nothing for me, thanks.
Berta: I don't recall offering.

Alan: (with the phone in his hand) It's Teddy's daughter, she wants to talk to you.
Charlie: Really?
Alan: But you promised Teddy you'd stay away from her.
Charlie: Hey, I didn't tell her to call me.
Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.

Berta: Is your brother still in bed with his sister?
Alan: Step-sister... to be... and yes.

(Charlie Waffles music plays)
Berta: Pretty catchy, huh?
Alan: So's gonorrhea.
Berta: Drinking from the well of bitterness are we?

Charlie: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.

Berta: (sees Alan using Jake's iPod) Who's he listening to?
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good—reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band's called Who.
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: And I work for your family.

Charlie: Hey Berta, look what I got.
Berta: Big deal, it's a freaking miracle you don't got ten of them.
Charlie: This is Linda's son, Brandon.
Brandon: I'm Brandon.
Berta: I got ears.

Charlie: I'm babysitting.
Berta: You?
Charlie Why not me?
Berta: You're a rum-soaked degenerate.

God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both.

Alan: Berta, have you seen Charlie?
Berta: He's not in his bed?
Alan: No.
Berta: Passed out on the bathroom floor?
Alan: No.
Berta: Rubbing oil on the volleyball girls?
Jake: No.
Berta: Well, that just leaves the bars, hospitals, and jails. I'll go get the Yellow Pages.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.