What about you? You ever take a trip down to girlie town?

Shane: Why don't you sell something people want.
Celia: Like what?
Shane: Like drugs.

They were going to sell my gallbladder to the Japanese. Fortunately, my body is a toxic pit.

Celia: That was humiliating.
Rudolfo: I know. I'm sorry, I could not untie you.
Celia: You're supposed to wipe front to back

Celia Hodes: I followed Dean here, did you see him?
Nancy Botwin: Yes, I did, they were playing poker
Celia Hodes: Oh, great, now he's going to come home broke, stinking of marijuana. Guess that's better than oriental pussy.

Nancy: (sees Shane get knocked down on soccer field) Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?!
Celia: Well, technically, Nancy, the Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Silas: I love her.
Celia: You stuck your penis in her. That's not love, believe me.

Tennis Pro: We need to go somewhere where we can get very, very drunk.
Celia: I'm a mean drunk. Let's go.

Celia: You really should lock your front door.
Nancy: I do lock it. But Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys. Drives me insane.
Celia: Subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.
Nancy: I still say we got the better end of that deal.

Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Nancy: Excuse me?
Celia: I think I'd like to try it.

Celia: I'm sick of men. Maybe I missed my calling. I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke, but just made a wrong turn by mistake. It would explain a hell of a lot. Here's the thing, I really wanna f**k around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more c**k in my mouth is just too depressing.
Nancy: I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.
Celia: Maybe you're right. The truth is, p***y really skeeves me out. That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young, truly a rude awakening.

You know, I read somewhere that killing small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior. You should really tell the parents, they can rush that little sociopath into therapy before he starts tooling around Agrestic in a white van with blacked out windows.

Weeds Quotes

I'm the suburban baroness of bud, Nancy.

Nancy Botwin

You've made your bed, now f**k in it.

Nancy Botwin