Chandler Bing Quotes
(Joey is watching "Wheel of Fortune", the letters read _OUNT RUSH _ORE)
Joey: This guy is so stupid. It's Count Rushmore.
Chandler: You know you should really go on this show.
(Later in this scene)
Chandler: Oh, and by the way, there is no Count Rushmore.
Joey: Yeah? Then who's the guy who painted the faces on the mountain?
Janice: I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not without a kiss.
Chandler: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay.
Joey: (Under his breath) Kiss her! Kiss her!
Joey: So when you dumping her?
Chandler: Nope not this time.
Joey: Come on, quit yanking me.
Chandler: I'm not yanking you.
Chandler: I cannot believe I'm going out with somebody who's getting divorced. I'm such a grownup. Joey! Hey! Go to your room!
Joey: Chandler! Hey! Up yours!
Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross.
Chandler: Oh God!
Joey: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it too.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when I'm having sex.
Phoebe: We're just trying to figure out if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl.
Joey: Oh, well just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.
Chandler: How do you not fall down more?
Chandler: She's married. She has a husband.
Phoebe: What if the husband person is the wrong guy and you are the right guy. You don't get chances like this all the time. If you don't meet her now, you're going to be kicking yourself when you're 80, which is hard to do and that's how you break a hip.
Joey: Come on, Chandler. I want this part so much. Just one kiss. I won't tell anyone.
Chandler: Joey, no means no!
Monica: Joey, you know, maybe you're just not used to kissing men. Maybe you just tensed up a little bit. Maybe that's what you need to work on.
Joey: Yeah, that makes sense.
(Joey looks over at Ross)
Ross: Over my dead body.
(Joey looks over at Chandler)
Chandler: And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.
Chandler: (Realizing his internet girl is Janice) Oh my God!
Janice: Oh... my... God! (Chandler rushes over and kisses her)
Ross, Joey, Rachel, Phoebe: Oh... my... God!
Chandler: Hey, how's the first day going?
Joey: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.
Chandler: Well there you go.
Joey: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.
Chandler: Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie?
Joey: Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same school. Small world huh?
Chandler: Weird world. Your kids?
Joey: I figure my character has kids.
Chandler: You know, there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.
Joey: Well, see when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.
Chandler: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.
Joey: Yeah. Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... You know what? Just did.
Chandler: Wow, that's some pretty strong imaginary sperm you've got there.
Chandler: Okay, so I can't fire Joseph. But, uh, I can sleep with his wife.
Joey: Karen?
Chandler: Yeah. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. You know what? I just did!
Joey: What are you trying to do to me, man?
Chandler: Oh, it wasn't me! It was my character, Chandy! The rogue processor who seduces his co-workers' wives for sport, then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler! In fact, I have her panties in my desk drawer right now!
Joey: (Looking hurt) Really?!
Chandler: No, freak show! She's fictional!
