Favorite Charlie Harper Quotes
Alan [after finding his mother's bra in Charlie's car]: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!
Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch and one of them says heard any good jokes lately and the other one, get this, lights him on fire.
I saw your commercial for the shake weight. My brother does basically the same thing in the shower every night. He has absolutely no muscle definition in his arms.
Dr: What do you consider being truly intimate with a woman?
Charlie: Not using a condom?
Lady: Oh my god, you threw up on my baby!
Charlie: To be fair, I don't think the carrots were mine.
We all want the shining red apple, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's lying on the ground
And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.
Everyone has a little baggage. I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers. You, you're cheap annoying and no one like you.
Charlie: Tell you what. I'll trade you, site unseen, my mom for yours
Charlie: I'll even throw in Alan and a couple of Omaha Steaks
Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to dance with me?
Charlie: Hey, Jake, want to live in a foster home?
Charlie: Don't sass me, boy. I'll take the switch to you.
Alan: The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude finds this distasteful?
Charlie: That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species.
Alan: Nothing I'm doing requires a ten day quarantine and a series of rabies shots.
Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.