Charlie Harper Quotes
Alan: It was like our souls were merging.
Charlie: That was saliva, Alan
Jake: Hey. I'm gonna go play in my room.
Joanie: Can I come with you?
Jake: Whatever.
Charlie: If he can just keep that attitude for another thirty years, he's gold
Alan: So what grade are you in, Joanie?
Joanie: Second.
Alan: Ah. Cool. I have a little boy who's in fourth.
Joanie: So?
Alan: Oh......well, I thought it would be relevant to the conversation.
Charlie: No matter how old they are, you still strike out. You know, Joanie, you're just as pretty as your mom.
Joanie: So?
Alan: I bow to the master
Charlie: Why are you destroying your psychiatrist's car?
Frankie: He told me I had anger management issues.
[She smashes the car window with a baseball bat]
Charlie: The quack.
Frankie: Then he hit on me.
Charlie: The horny quack
Alan: Charlie, let's go. This woman is clearly a lunatic.
Charlie: Yeah, but look at the passion, the fire... the ass!
Alan: What are you afraid of?
Charlie: I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard I'll be an only child
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.
Alan: You have satellite and cable?
Charlie: Sometimes there's solar flares.
Alan: OK, you can cut back to basic cable.
Charlie: Basic cable? That's what they get in prison!
Charlie: Alan, I can't do this anymore, I quit!
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie
Berta: Well, you don't have to worry about paying me this week, Charlie.
Charlie: Thank you, Berta.
Berta: I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way. Call me when things pick up
Charlie: Great, why don't I just shoot myself?
Alan: Can't afford a gun
Alan: Charlie, call me an old-fashioned dad, but I was hoping my son wouldn't start betting on sports until he's old enough to have a drinking problem.
Charlie: He didn't really make a bet. I just gave him a taste of my action.
Alan: Nor do I want him tasting your action.
Jake: Dad, without action there's no juice.
Alan: All of a sudden, he's Frank Sinatra
