Jake: Are you crazy?
Rose: There's several schools of thought on that

Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf

Jake: Can I go back to mom's tomorrow?
Alan: Why?
Jake: I want to hang out with my friends.
Alan: What, all of a sudden your father's not good enough for you?
Jake: It's not "all of a sudden."

Alan: He's growing up, getting a life of his own. He'll be going off to college soon. I'll only see him on holidays, only hear from him when he needs money... not that I'll have any, I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives! And college tuition? That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. And for what? So that he can get a worthless piece of paper that he can then fold into a hat to wear to the fast food job that he will probably get fired from for stealing fries from the customers' bags!
Jake: I do like fries

Jake: There's just one thing I don't understand.
Judith: What's that, honey?
Jake: If you have sex with a pregnant lady, wouldn't she have twins?
Judith: No.
Naomi: Otherwise, I'd be having a whole damn litter

Charlie: She might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
Jake: She must be dynamite in the sack.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff from?
Jake: Cinemax

Evelyn: How many pieces of bacon are you going to eat?
Jake: My record's fourteen. I barfed, but it still counts

Lydia: So, what grade are you in?
Jake: Seventh.
Lydia: Well, don't you worry when the other kids make fun of you; you'll show 'em some day.
Jake: Nobody makes fun of me.
Lydia: You're kidding?

Alan: Why did you run away?
Jake: Because I hate it there!
Alan: Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake: It's nothing to do with puberty, dad. It's about mom getting married

Judith: Would you wait in the car, please?
Jake: Who's in trouble, me or dad?
Judith: Nobody's in trouble.
Jake [to Alan]: It's you

Charlie: Don't be mean to your mother.
Jake: You're mean to your mom all the ti..
Charlie: My mother can take it. My mother feeds on it.

Jake: What do I have to do for you?
Charlie: Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
Jake: Do I have to cry?
Charlie: No.
Jake: Will there be food?
Charlie: Yes.
Jake: Can I bring a date?
Charlie: You're just screwing with me now, right?
Jake: How does it feel?

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.