Jeff Barnes Quotes
Lester: Morgan! You got to break Morgan. Chuck tells him everything.
Jeff: His beard holds so many secrets.
Jeff: You wanna see something really freaky? (They break into Casey's locker) Dude keeps a Chuck diary.
Lester: Bathroom visits. And duration.
Jeff: Keys, duct tape, high-grade chloroform.
Devon: Whoa.
Jeff: From one stalker to another, I'm impressed.
Devon: You guys think this has something to do with Chuck missing?
Lester: I don't care.
Jeff: No clue. You mind if I, uh, get right? (He takes a hit of chloroform and passes out)
Jeff: (as Morgan walks in) I smell bacon. Anyone else smell pig?
Lester: I seem to detect the odor of the forbidden meat.
Morgan: Okay, knock it off. Listen to me, guys; we need to apologize to Emmett for blowing the power. Otherwise he is going to can you.
Jeff: Nice try. Get us to apologize so we look like asses, lose all our street cred.
Lester: I mean, people, do you have any idea what working with fried food would do to my complexion?
Jeff: I can't leave the Buy More. I won't survive in the real world. I'm institutionalized.
I can't...tell you how many times I defiled myself at work. Emmett cured me of that. Now I only violate myself at home or in the car. But never in the Nerd Herder.
Lester: Good morning, Big Michael!
Big Mike: Where the hell did you come from?
Jeff: We have a proposition for you.
Big Mike: I'll pass, excuse me...
Lester: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Two words. NextExpo.
Jeff: That's one word.
Lester: Stop counting.
(The Buy more gang tries to kidnap Chuck in ninja suits, when Casey stops it and orders them to take the masks off and un-tie Chuck)
Lester: Man up, Charles.
Chuck: Why would you do this to me?
Morgan: I'm sorry man, it was a practice run for when we kidnap Awesome for his bachelor party.
Chuck: You guys aren't even invited.
Lester: What finer way to be invited than to kidnap the guest of honor.
Jeff: A bachelor party is a mythical place where booze and women are free...it's Xanadu.
(Chuck, Lester and Jeff are looking at the Buy More interior which is covered in toilet paper)
Chuck: What? When did this happen?
Lester: During the night. Look on the bright side. Don't have to buy TP for, like, years.
Jeff: Why start now?
Jeff: Morgan Grimes is so tired of listening to Big Mike punch his momma's time clock, that he actually showed up for work on time today.
Lester: Okay, okay, well Morgan Grimes is so disturbed by what Big Mike is doing to his momma, that the thought of Jeff doing the same thing to Anna is actually sweet, sweet relief.
Jeff: Oh snap.
Morgan: That's good. Laugh it up, fuzzballs.
Lester: Morgan. All you have to do is convince Anna that moving in with you is a bad idea.
Morgan: Okay, but how am I gonna...
Lester: Shhh, bubeleh, you've come to the right place. Repulsion is our business.
Jeff: And business is good.
Lester: (About Anna) My God, could she really be...unrepulsable?
Morgan: I'm beginning to think so.
Jeff: No, sir. Not on my watch.
Morgan: What are you suggesting?
Jeff: You're going to need a quart of peanut oil, some bubble wrap and as much yarn as you can find.
(Morgan discussing the misunderstanding with Anna)
Lester: Oh buddy, you are screwed.
Morgan: No, actually I think if I tell her the truth at this point that'll end the sexual component of our relationship.
Jeff: And I'll be there to pick up the pieces.
