Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I've been outed, and I was never in!
(on men) We're like some kind of weird fish where the eyes operate independently of the head.
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky! You get a sense of it and then you look away.
Jerry: You know primavera is Italian for spring.
Cheryl: You're a very serious person, aren't you?
Jerry: Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't
seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.
Cheryl: I understand.
Well, birthdays are really symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic life, this is who we are to the bitter end, inevitably, irrevocably happy birthday? No such thing.
Jerry: Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail.
Elaine: It's mostly bills, magazines, and junk mail anyway.
Jerry: Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines, and junk mail, there is no mail.
Cheryl: Do you ever laugh?
Jerry: Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub.
Cheryl: That's so sad. What do you do?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
Why don't we just say give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, if they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, if they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving.
(to his annoying colleague Pat) No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring. Do you understand the difference?
Jerry: What? So what? It's a nipple. A little brown circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See I got them. (lifts up shirt)
Kramer: I got them too. (lifts up shirt also)
Jerry: See? Everybody's got them.