Jim: Um, is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael: What's updog?
Jim: Nothing much, what's up with you?

Dwight: Ding dong.
Jim: Who is it?
Dwight: KGB.
Jim: Alright. I just got out of the shower, I'll be one second.
Dwight: [in accent] When you are done, open the door. ... Hello in there?
Jim: Yeah, I'm late for work, so I have to brush my teeth, it's a whole routine.
Dwight: We have more houses to visit.
Jim: If you want to come back then, that'll be fine.
Dwight: We will come back at... how is [looks at watch] 4:45?
Jim: I get back from work around 6.
Dwight: How about 5:15?
Jim: You can try. That, that might work.
Dwight: Very well, we will come back at 5:15.
Jim: Alright.

Creed: I want to set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know.

Andy: Beer me!
Jim: What's that?
Andy: Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.
Jim: Lord, beer me strength.

Not enough for me? You are everything.

Dwight: Jim, tell him wear he can stick his grapes.
Jim: In the fridge!

Michael: Dwight, what's your middle name?
Dwight: Danger.
Michael: Something with a 'K'.
Jim: It's Kurt. Wow, I'm so sad I know that.

Michael: That is a $200 plasma TV you just killed! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! [Jan runs upstairs crying]
Woman: I'm gonna get going.
Dwight: Fine. Get outta here.
Jim: It's getting late.
Michael: You know what guys? She'll be out of the bathroom real soon.

Dwight: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: ... MICHAEL!
Dwight: Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL!

Dwight: What's your daughter's name again? Pee Pee?
Jim: Pee Pa.

Michael: Guys! Beef: it's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then, my man meat he shall have.

Jim: So what's your strategy for this race?
Pam: Well I'm gonna start fast.
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Then I'm gonna run fast in the middle.
Jim: What?
Pam: Then I'm gonna end fast.
Jim: Why won't more people do that?
Pam: Cause they're just stupid.

The Office Quotes

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael