Kramer: (in Newman's ear) This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap
Newman: You are nothing but a piece of crap.
Ron: Pardon me?
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) A piece of crap
Newman: A piece of crap.
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) I find you extremely ugly
Newman I find you extremely ugly.
Ron: Do you?
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) You emit a foul and unpleasant odor
Newman: You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.
Ron: Oh, is that right?
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) I loathe you
Newman: I loathe you.

George: Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?Newman: Sometimes.Jerry: Why is that?Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.Jerry: All right, all right.

Jerry: Here. Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it.
Newman: Yeah, your nipple's showing.

Yes, I admit I was speeding, but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved, and to be a banker.

Newman: (telling the suicide banker story) I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible, but I-I distinctly recall him saying-
Kramer: (involuntarily) Hey, Yo-Yo Ma.

Newman: (outside Kramer's door) Come on, are you ready? Let's go.
Kramer: (opens the door, still has shaving cream on his face) For what?
Newman: What's the matter with you? I just spoke to you fifteen minutes ago.
Kramer: About what?
Newman: The courthouse, you gotta go with me too the court house, I'm contesting a ticket today.
Kramer: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.
Newman: You gotta go with me, you-you're my alibi, you have to take the stand.
Kramer: Well, I can't!
Newman: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND WHAT THAT MEANS!
Kramer: Shut up! I'll get my coat.

Newman: Would you please tell the court, in your own words, what happened on the afternoon of September 10th.
Kramer: What do you mean in my own words? Who's words are they gonna be?

Jerry: This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. You know a radar detector is worth much more than that helmet. I think you're cheating him.
Newman: Don't say anything.
Jerry: All right.
(Kramer enters the room)
Jerry: Hey, you know you're getting gypped over here.

Newman: (to Kramer) You gave me a defective detector! Jerry?
Jerry: Buyer beware.

Newman: I want my helmet back! You give me back my helmet, and you're gonna pay for that ticket!
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. You better think again, Mojambo.

Kramer: We had a deal! There's no guarantees in life!
Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer!
Jerry: Karma-Kramer?

Newman: Wow, it was McDowell.
Jerry: But why? Why McDowell?
Kramer: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game.
Newman: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head.

Seinfeld Quotes

George: Why don't they have salsa on the table?
Jerry: What do you need salsa for?
George: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.
Jerry: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have any salsa?" We need more salsa." "Where's the salsa? No salsa?"
George: You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. "I wanted seltzer, not salsa!"
Jerry: "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?! You have the seltzer after the salsa!"

George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.
George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a colour man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do you like?
George: Movies. I like to watch movies.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah.
George: Do they pay people to watch movies?
Jerry: Projectionists.
George: That's true.
Jerry: But you gotta know how to work the projector.
George: Right.
Jerry: And it's probably a union thing.
George: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports, movies what about a talk show host?
Jerry: Talk show host. That's good.
George: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
Jerry: Really?
George: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?
Jerry: Well, that's where it gets tricky.
George: You can't just walk into a building and say "I wanna be a talk show host".
Jerry: I wouldn't think so.
George: It's all politics.
Jerry: All right, okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?
George: This could have been a huge mistake.
Jerry: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.