Oscar: Hey, um... thanks for trying to hook me up.
Andy: You kidding me? It's what I do. Get the whole nine 'nards.
Oscar: I can't believe we called her up.
Andy: Totally! What. Who?
Oscar: Angela. I can't believe we called her up last night.
Andy: We called Angela?
Oscar: You... you called... you called her.
Andy: That was real?! I thought I dreamed that. Oh, God!
Oscar: Alright.
Andy: Oh, God!

Angela: [on phone] Hello? Hello?
Andy: What is wrong with you?
Oscar: Why won't you do Andy?
Angela: What?
Andy: That was Oscar and he wants to know why you won't do me and I think it's a valid question.
Angela: Are you drunk?
Andy: This is Andy Bernard!
Angela: I know who this is!
Andy: I wanna take you to sex school.
Angela: What?
Dwight: [on phone] Who is that, Monkey?
Andy: Is somebody there?
Angela: Are you drunk?
Andy: I have needs.
Angela: We will discuss this later.
Andy: Naked.
Angela: What?
Andy: We'll discuss it later naked. I want to see you naked.

Oscar: What do you see in her? What do you see in Angela?
Andy: What do I see in Angela?
Oscar: I want to know.
Andy: I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle. She is teaching me to be a better person. And she's working really hard on that. And she has the softest skin I've ever seen and I can't wait to have sex with her.
Oscar: You haven't had sex?
Andy: No.

Andy: You'll thank me when they spank thee.
Oscar: Don't do this...
Andy: Do you guys like apples?
Guy at table: What?
Andy: Do you like apples?
Guy at table: Uh, sorry... what?
Andy: [gives them drinks] Well, how do you like these apples? Alright, on a scale of 1-10, how hot is that dude?
Guy at table: Is he your boyfriend or something?
Andy: No, but he could be yours if you play your cards right.
Guy: Dude, leave us alone.

Andy: Alright, I've scoped out the joint. Those two dudes are as good as naked.
Oscar: How do you even know they're gay?
Andy: C'mon! It's Dandy Dale and Foppy McGee over there. Mademoiselle! Beer me dos Long Island iced teas s'ill vous plait... Bad decision in a glass.

Oscar: I'll check us in.
Michael: Alright.
Andy: Very cool.
Michael: Very cool.
Andy: We are going to find out where the action is, my friend.
Michael: Okay.
Andy: Where's the concierge?
Michael: Yes! Wallace said there would be one of those.

Oscar: [to Creed, dressed as the Joker] Whoa! Awesome.
Creed: Let's put a smile on that face!
Kevin: [also dressed as the Joker] Dammit Creed! I've been up since four!

Angela: Yes, that's correct. I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000.
Oscar: Great, they stole my laptop.
Kevin: Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector.
Oscar: How does that even compare?
Kevin: Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges.

Phyllis: Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower.
Kevin: But Phyllis, it's not his baby.
Phyllis: I know, Kevin.
Oscar: Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?
Phyllis: Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.

Oscar: Been here nine years. Now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away.
Andy: I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.

Michael: Hey. Ready? Come on, show me excited!
Oscar: Yes.
Michael: Yeah, I'm pretty excited too.

Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan's big project was the website. Which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.

The Office Quotes

Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.


When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was Puke. I would chug a fifth of SoCo, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more SoCo, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight Bs. They called me Buzz.