Torres [on dating]: And I *do* know what it’s like out there, Bishop. It’s no easier for a handsome guy. Believe me.
Bishop: Yeah, I believe that you *believe* that, but I’d believe you’d be *wrong*!
McGee [shakes his head]: Unbelievable.

Torres: How did it go with Sloane and your friend?
McGee: Well, good morning to you, too, Gossip Girl.

Torres: It wouldn’t be the first time that someone wants to kill their landlord.
McGee: You have proof, or you speaking from personal experience?
Torres: Personal experience.
McGee: Oof.

  • Permalink: Oof.
  • Added:

Hey, Torres, look! I finally found a T-shirt small enough for you!

McGee [holding up a baby shirt]

Wait, you’re friends with your arch-enemy from high school?

McGee [to Bishop]

Torres: Why’d she call you and not me?
McGee: Well, she called *us*. But unlike you, I spend time at my desk.

Clayton: I once had a friend at MI6 whose taxes got messed up while he was undercover in Borneo. Took him years to pay off.
McGee: How’d that happen?
Clayton: Tried to write off a helicopter as his company car.

Abby: Death by cookies.
McGee: Cookies.
Abby: Yes. Frosted almond cookies, with little almond bits and some poison mixed in.

Triff: I’m a vegetarian.
McGee: Are you kidding?! You used to be a furrier!
Triff: Wearing animals isn’t the same as eating them!

Sloane: Well-adjusted individuals do not butcher people in their living rooms.
McGee: Or stare at people like they want to eat their face.
Sloane: Triff’s not a cannibal.
McGee: *Yet.* But if he branches out, I don’t want to be his guinea pig.

Gibbs: McGee, go see Triff. Find out what he knows.
McGee: Me? Boss, you sure *you* don’t want to talk to him instead?
Gibbs: You know him better than I do!
McGee: ...Anyone wanna trade?
Torres: Oh, I have to look at my screen and stuff.
Bishop: I got a thing.

McGee: What’d you do to your finger?
Abby: Oh, uh, nothing. I mean, well, I got a splinter. Don’t tell Gibbs, ‘cause he’ll, like, try to dig it out with a knife.

NCIS Quotes

‘You think you’re alone in the dark. Close your eyes. Remember everything good.’ My mom said that to me just before she died. Smart lady.

Gibbs

Morrow: There's a connection between the death of that Navy Seal and what's happening with your team.
Vance: What kind of connection?
Morrow: The murder of Eli David opened a political can of worms that was much bigger than anyone expected.
Vance: Eli and Arash Kazmi wanted to forget a peace. But Bodnar killing them opened the door.
Morrow: Homeland and the CIA wait for chances like this, to stir the pot. Distract governments so that all sorts of recon can happen. The CIA needed Iran to believe Mossad was responsible.
Vance: Are you telling me that Bodnar didn't kill Kazmi?
Morrow: I'm telling you we did it, Leon. The CIA took out Kazmi that night so that Bodnar would end up being the fall guy. Iran and Israel could duke it out while we focused on the real threat. We're all so damned worried about Iran and North Korea when the real threat is here, on home soil.
Vance: It's a shell game isn't it? Keep people distracted.
Morrow: Leon you see why I wanted you to keep your distance?