Torres: Why’d she call you and not me?
McGee: Well, she called *us*. But unlike you, I spend time at my desk.

Clayton: I once had a friend at MI6 whose taxes got messed up while he was undercover in Borneo. Took him years to pay off.
McGee: How’d that happen?
Clayton: Tried to write off a helicopter as his company car.

Abby: Death by cookies.
McGee: Cookies.
Abby: Yes. Frosted almond cookies, with little almond bits and some poison mixed in.

Triff: I’m a vegetarian.
McGee: Are you kidding?! You used to be a furrier!
Triff: Wearing animals isn’t the same as eating them!

Sloane: Well-adjusted individuals do not butcher people in their living rooms.
McGee: Or stare at people like they want to eat their face.
Sloane: Triff’s not a cannibal.
McGee: *Yet.* But if he branches out, I don’t want to be his guinea pig.

Gibbs: McGee, go see Triff. Find out what he knows.
McGee: Me? Boss, you sure *you* don’t want to talk to him instead?
Gibbs: You know him better than I do!
McGee: ...Anyone wanna trade?
Torres: Oh, I have to look at my screen and stuff.
Bishop: I got a thing.

McGee: What’d you do to your finger?
Abby: Oh, uh, nothing. I mean, well, I got a splinter. Don’t tell Gibbs, ‘cause he’ll, like, try to dig it out with a knife.

Gibbs: Any problems?
Torres: None, except Bishop almost blowing up our cover, we’re pretty good.
Bishop: Excuse me?
Torres: You shouldn’t have slapped his hand away.
Bishop: I don’t give out free samples! I’ve got three kids to feed and a sick Nana in Boca. [Torres stares at her.] What? You told me to have a backstory. That’s my backstory.
Torres: That’s actually… that’s actually pretty good.
Bishop: Thank you.
McGee: What’s wrong with Nana?
Bishop: Shingles!
Gibbs: Condolences.

McGee: Where’s they go?
Gibbs: Not the question.
McGee: What happened?
Gibbs: *That’s* the question!

Bishop: This place is not so sexy.
McGee: I don’t know, the roaches downstairs don’t seem to care.

Bishop: I see you, McGee. Everything okay?
McGee: No. No, it’s not, because *you* decided to take over a Metro case on December 22! That is, let’s see, one, two, *three* days before Christmas!
Bishop: I had plans, too.
McGee: With twin newborn cherubs?!

McGee [on baby names]: For the boy, we’ve got it narrowed down to Indiana, Han, or Harrison.
Reeves: Oh, gosh. Poor kid!

NCIS Quotes

Bishop: Where to begin?
Gibbs: Probably with the one labeled ‘Viking War Stick.’

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.