McGee: Mr. Hackett? The password, please?
Hackett: And if I refuse?
Gibbs: A shower! A cold one!

McGee [about his apartment's former tenant]: Did you know that when they found him, he was completely soaked in blood from head to toe? Cops could barely tell that he was human. They said that he looked more like Satan.
Quinn: ...Well, if you ever *do* tell Delilah, you should probably leave that out.

There’s gotta be an expiration on the creepy factor! Besides, it’s not like it’s haunted!

Why would you name a bull “Robert”?

McGee [asking the important question]

Quinn: I mean, maybe it's a coincidence. [McGee and Gibbs give her a look.] Oh, oh, no. Nope. Rule 69. "No coincidences."
McGee: No, actually Number 69 is "Never trust a woman who doesn't trust her man."
Quinn: Huh? Wait, what?! Really? That... sounds a little misogynistic, don't you think? Huh? I mean, do you have a rule that says "Never trust a man who doesn't trust his woman"? Think about it! Huh? No? Think about it! Rule 51!
McGee [to Gibbs]: "Sometimes you're wrong"! [Gibbs smacks the back of McGee's head.]

McGee: What are you doing?
Anthony DiNozzo Senior: Changing the subject!

McGee: How do you sleep at night?!
Torres: On my back. Naked.

McGee: Office equipment is your friend.
Torres: It's a bad friend, the one you lend money to and never pays you back!

Well, we don't have a firm date yet, but we plan on saving money on the invitations just by telling Bishop, and everyone will show!

McGee [on his wedding]

Eleanor Bishop, will you be my Frodo?

My burger's getting cold, and you're hitting on Yoga Lady!

Abby: Hey Tony.
McGee: Vance got a call.
Tony: Ziva. Are we sure?
McGee: I'm so sorry, Tony.

NCIS Quotes

Ducky: Forgive me, Mr. Palmer, but I can’t resist the urge to give you one of my all-time favorite pieces of advice: “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.