Torres [on dating]: And I *do* know what it’s like out there, Bishop. It’s no easier for a handsome guy. Believe me.
Bishop: Yeah, I believe that you *believe* that, but I’d believe you’d be *wrong*!
McGee [shakes his head]: Unbelievable.

Torres: How did it go with Sloane and your friend?
McGee: Well, good morning to you, too, Gossip Girl.

Torres: It wouldn’t be the first time that someone wants to kill their landlord.
McGee: You have proof, or you speaking from personal experience?
Torres: Personal experience.
McGee: Oof.

  • Permalink: Oof.
  • Added:

Hey, Torres, look! I finally found a T-shirt small enough for you!

McGee [holding up a baby shirt]

Wait, you’re friends with your arch-enemy from high school?

McGee [to Bishop]

Torres: Why’d she call you and not me?
McGee: Well, she called *us*. But unlike you, I spend time at my desk.

Clayton: I once had a friend at MI6 whose taxes got messed up while he was undercover in Borneo. Took him years to pay off.
McGee: How’d that happen?
Clayton: Tried to write off a helicopter as his company car.

Abby: Death by cookies.
McGee: Cookies.
Abby: Yes. Frosted almond cookies, with little almond bits and some poison mixed in.

Triff: I’m a vegetarian.
McGee: Are you kidding?! You used to be a furrier!
Triff: Wearing animals isn’t the same as eating them!

Sloane: Well-adjusted individuals do not butcher people in their living rooms.
McGee: Or stare at people like they want to eat their face.
Sloane: Triff’s not a cannibal.
McGee: *Yet.* But if he branches out, I don’t want to be his guinea pig.

Gibbs: McGee, go see Triff. Find out what he knows.
McGee: Me? Boss, you sure *you* don’t want to talk to him instead?
Gibbs: You know him better than I do!
McGee: ...Anyone wanna trade?
Torres: Oh, I have to look at my screen and stuff.
Bishop: I got a thing.

McGee: What’d you do to your finger?
Abby: Oh, uh, nothing. I mean, well, I got a splinter. Don’t tell Gibbs, ‘cause he’ll, like, try to dig it out with a knife.

NCIS Quotes

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.

I'm more of a Super-Mario guy, myself.

Captain Wescott