There's a lot of different ways to be a hero, and I've seen you do heroic things.

Junior [to Jerry]

She's not getting any money in the divorce so when she looks at Steven she sees dimples and dollar signs.


Monica: And the fact that she almost burnt down Carrington Manor?
Jeff: It was a long time ago. Kids love playing with fire. People change.

This is simple enough for a monkey to operate, which is good because guess what you're doing today?

McGarrett [to Danny]

Duke: I'm going to fight to get my job back. Does your offer to come to support me still stand?
McGarrett: 1000 percent.

You encouraged [Christopher] to enlist. He served with distinction and died a hero.

Jerry [to Junior]

Hector, I'm sorry I missed Hocus Pocus, I was masturbating for five hours.


Paula: You ran off to go death camping.
Nathaniel: That is offensive, don't call it that. I went concentration camping.

Yeah, she flushes her tampons, but that is like the worst thing I could say about her.


Paula: Hon, have you been online today?
Rebecca: That's a terrifying sentence.

Mike: You're one of my best friends.
Chuck: How about that, Mike Baxter man of stone is a mushball. I didn't think we'd ever get you to say that.
Mike: Why did you say we?
Vanessa jumps out from hiding: Yes, yes, best prank ever! And I was the mastermind. Oh yeah! In your face!
Mike to Vanessa: You did this?
Chuck: No, we did this!
Vanessa: Last week I heard you on the phone with Joe setting up your fake prank on him, so you could actually prank Chuck. So, then I called Chuck to set up this real prank on you. Yeah, that is right. I am the prank queen.
Chuck: It was genius because what is the scariest thing to Mike Baxter?
Vanessa & Chuck in unison: Human emotion!

Female Cop: If you don't have ID then I am going to have to take you all in.
Mandy laughing: Wait a minute, this is not real. I told mom she was terrible at pranks and all of the sudden we are going to be taken in by a lady cop. Mom is totally trying to up her game.
Kyle: Yeah! Aren't you in Mrs. B's book club? The one who reads the least but drinks the most?
Ryan: Guys I think she might be a real cop?
Female Cop: I am!
Kristin: Her squad car certainly looks real.
Female Cop: It is.
Ryan: Are we going for a ride?
Female Cop: You are. You guys are about to be part of a whole new book club.