Andrew: What do you say we order in at your place tonight?
Zelda: I would love to, but Stephie and Joseph are making blood sausage. Which is either a euphemism or the real thing. Either way I want no part of it.

Almost forgot, before you sign. I'm required to tell you there's a sex offender living downstairs. And it's me.


Stu: I just wanted to bring you guys some macaroons as a housewarming gift.
Zelda: Thank you very much. Where are the macaroons?
Stu: I ate them in the car while sobbing at a stoplight.

Andrew: What about Joseph?
StuL: Great guy, terrible roommate, is what he said about me.

Zelda: Why don't you just ask Stu to take off for the evening so we can have some alone time?
Andrew: Because I have a weird codependent relationship and I'm scared of hurting his feelings. But, what you said.

Andrew: We might as well go sleep on a beach.
Zelda: I think that's illegal.
Andrew: Plus, after dark, the transient's come and tickle you.
Zelda: What?
Andrew: That's a tale for another time.

Also, there's going to be a thunderstorm tonight. So I suggest we just skip a step and I just go to bed with you guys.


Andrew: Oh no!
Stu: I know that thunder is just the sound of God bowling, but can I spend the night with you guys?

Stephie: You know you guys dated for, like, a day and a half, right?
Stu: But it flew by like it was two-thirds of a day.

I may be a jealous, possessive, paranoid person, but that bitch is trying to steal my man.


Andrew, you set him up with a hooker? This company does not do that for clients anymore.


Andrew: I think I'm about to get into a fight and probably lose my job.
Zelda: Aw. Should I go to the window and watch?
Andrew: No. I think you should look for Stephie.

A to Z Quotes

You can try a child as an adult, but not the other way around....No. It does not matter if the crime is adorable.


The idea is to keep them paying the monthly fee. They won't do that if they get married