Archer
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXArcher Season 8 Quotes
Cheryl: Oh my God, you have a crush on her!
Archer: What?! No I don't, I...
Cheryl: Yes you do! That was the cutest thing! And I think SHE has a crush on YOU.
Archer: No, she...wait, really?
Cheryl: Absolutely!
Archer: Why - why - why do you think that? Did she --
Cheryl: Just admit that you like her!
Archer: Well, yeah, of course I --
Cheryl: (yells to room) Hey! Yeah! Me and him, we just f*****d!!
Archer: For starters, even if you pull this off, what are you going to do for money.
Cheryl: Well I...I shall work, of course!
Archer: (scoffs) As what?
Cheryl: Um...One of those! A food perambulator.
Archer: Putting aside why you'd want to fake your own death --
Cheryl: BECAUSE I have to get away from my family. They're a seething cauldron of neurotic, alcoholic, narcissistic, quasi-incestuous megalomaniacs!
Archer: (pause) How quasi?
Cheryl: I don't know, a 4?
Archer: Out of what?
Archer: Heiresses to fortunes like your family's don't fake their own deaths. They murder their parents and blame it on some poor Hispanic or Negro.
Cheryl: Yes, I thought about that, but I don't know any Hispanics or Negroes.
Archer: No, they make up the Hispanic or Negro.
Cheryl: I honestly wouldn't know where to begin.
Archer: (grunts in pain)
Cheryl: (flashback as a nun) Shhhh-shhhh. Calmez vous. Vous mettez plus en danger.
Lana: What sort of daily expenses does a semi-private investigator incur?
Archer: Bullets?
Lana: Daily.
Archer: Or, I don't know, maybe a surf and turf dinner at the Polo Lounge?
Lana: Uh-huh?
Archer: And then maybe a room upstairs at the Beverly Hills hotel?
Lana: Uh-huh.
Archer: And then, maybe...
Lana: I'm gonna leave you here. Between hope and despair.
Malory: Hmmm. Bronze Star with two Oak Leaves and V Device, Legion of Merit, Croix de Guerre with Palm, Silver Star with two Oak Leaves, Distinguished Service Cross with one Oak Leaf and V Device, three Purple Hearts. It goes on, Mr. Archer.
Archer: Yeah, senior year I was voted "Class Flirt."
Malory: And yet you turned down a battlefield commission to 2nd Lieutenant.
Archer: Well, after "Class Flirt," I mean...
Malory: Normandy.
Archer: Yeah.
Malory: Omaha Beach by way of North Africa and Sicily. And after Normandy, through France and Belgium all the way to Berlin.
Archer: Well I had to get to Berlin, I sent all my clean shirts ahead.
Malory: Mmhmm. Speak any German?
Archer: You know, "Don't shoot," "I surrender," "Hitler's the tops," stuff like that.
Cyril: Come to think of it, Archer, where were YOU last night?
Archer: Ask your wife!
Pam: Awwww, you know his wife left him! For you, Archer, because you screwed her tits off at the precinct cookout! So then she thought the two of you would get married and live happily ever after, but you were like, "Whaaaaaaaat.."
Archer: (stares at Pam)
Pam: Exactly. That face right there.
Barry: Just so I understand you, your theory is that the truck backfired, whereas your theory is fireworks.
Enforcer: They are Chinese.
Barry: What, in Christ Foo Yong, could they be celebrating?
Archer: Whaaaaaat...
Pam: What?!
Archer:....the shiiiit?!?!
Pam: They knew me from work!
Pam: Everything is my business.
Archer: Oh, including white slavery?
Pam: What?
Archer: Those girls are tied up, asshole.
Pam: No they're not, they're just...aww dog dicks.
Archer: Yeah, so...
Pam: Uhhh, wouldn't it be "yellow slavery?"
Archer: (gasps in disbelief) Uh, I don't know, racist!
Pam: White slavery is just as racist!
Archer: WHAT??
Pam: Nooo, you know, if you differentiate between cotton-picking slavery-
Archer: Jesus Christ!
Pam: -and then white slavery then that's-
Archer: SEXUAL slavery, then.
Pam: Okayyyy!
Archer: Goddammit.
Pam: My point is I think we're both anti-slavery.
