Veronica: I confiscated this a few months ago from Dewey the security guard. He had dozens of employee sex tapes like that.
Ted: Dewey? Damn. That's the first person I've ever met named Dewey I thought was normal.
Veronica: The quest continues

Phil: So I've been thinking about our past, and how I chummed the waters of our friendship with fish guts of dishonesty.
Lem: And I've been thinking about how the shark of my loyalty gorged on the deceitful entrails of your bloody lies.
Phil: So we both saw that shark special last night

Ted: Don't you see what's happening? We are taking the only person here who has never compromised her ideals, and turning her into an ideal compromiser. And I don't mean an ideal compromiser, one who all the other compromisers look up to.
Veronica: I understand context, Ted.
Ted: She was our conscience. So now what are we gonna do?
Veronica: Gosh, you're right. How will we ever make the Fortune 500 list of the most moral companies? Oh wait, they don't have that

Dr. Bhamba: This is all my fault. I knew there was a problem with the pasta sauce, but I did not notify my superiors because, well, I'm a drug addict. My goodness, how I love the drugs. I would take them in my house. I would take them with a mouse.
Veronica: With a mouse, people. Now that's rock bottom

Veronica: We can't let the CEO take the blame, and you're the one who blabbed.
Linda: But I'm the only one who did the right thing.
Veronica: Well, you know what we call that? Irony

Lem: MIT was the best: the academic clubs, the dorms, the guys, the girl.

Lem: How can I trust you now? I bet you weren't even rescued in Montana by Harrison Ford.
Phil: No, that is true, I swear. I woke up next to a campfire with Indiana Jones making me bacon

Lem: You went to the University of Aruba?
Phil: Where knowledge is king and clothing is optional

Linda: Hello, person who thinks I'm incompetent.
Ted: Hello, person who thinks I'm lying.
Dr. Bhamba: I'm incompetent and a liar. I don't get a hello?

Veronica: I like that hairstyle. It's very powerful. Would you mind if I wore my hair like that?
Linda: Of course not.
Veronica: Good. Then you can't anymore

Linda: You know, my cousin uses the wheelchair you guys invented, the ones that climb stairs.
Ted: You know, it was my idea to give them brakes. You should have seen those suckers barreling downstairs

Veridian Dynamics. Mistakes. We all makes them. But sometimes mistakes lead to great discoveries. Mistakes are how we learn and grow... so we can do amazing things. When you think about it, shouldn't you be thanking us for making mistakes? Veridian Dynamics. We're sorry. You're welcome


Better Off Ted Season 1 Episode 10 Quotes

Linda: You realize that if this project goes forward, all the aborigines in Australia will lose their sense of smell.
Ted: Which is why I'm going to kill it. That's just too high a price to pay for fabric softener.
Linda: If those aborigines were here, they'd smell a good man

Lem: I will not let you go. Come on, this is just like the virtual climbing wall at MIT.
Phil: It wasn't there when I was there.
Lem: It's virtual. Technically it was never there