Better Off Ted Season 1 Episode 5: "Win Some, Dose Some" Quotes
Phil: Hey, Linda. What's wrong?
Linda: The Jewish people have had such a tumultuous history, and yet they were still able to give us this? The everything bagel--it's all you'd ever want in one bagel. I love it... and the chosen people who created it.
Ted: Wait. You don't think competing all-out against a girl who's disabled is wrong?
Veronica: Wrong? How should I know what's wrong? I'm not some Greek philosopher. What does Rose think?
Ted: She's no help. I taught her her everyone should be treated equally.
Veronica: Well, then treat everyone equally.
Ted: No, you're not supposed to really do that. You're just supposed to teach it.
Veronica: Ted, you're a competitor. You want to win. You just need to hear it's okay.
Ted: No I don't. But it is, right?
Veridian Dynamics. Competition--whether it's animals, or this old woman and baby, fighting to the death. Competition makes us stronger. In business, that means better products--pills that look like candy, hands that can shoot lightning, and a new generation of hurricane-proof dogs. Veridian Dynamics. Competition. It makes everything better
Commercial
Veronica: What if I were to help you sell your daughter's precious toilet paper?
Ted: It's wrapping paper.
Veronica: It's not my fault I don't listen when you talk
Come on, the general respects you, Ted--your experience, your charm, the whole package. Oh, and your package
Veronica
Ted: We're working on a contract for solar-powered ovens, which the military plans to air-drop into remote villages as a goodwill gesture. It'll be the only thing the military drops that doesn't kill people. The problem is...
Lem: It kills people.
Phil: The plastic we're using leaches toxins into food.
Lem: However, the toxins are only released when the ovens are exposed to sunlight.
Phil: Which is the only time solar ovens work.
Veronica: Some days, it seems like everything we do leaches toxins
Phil: We should tell her.
Lem: Or we don't tell her so she doesn't get mad at us again.
Phil: I like where this is going.
Lem: We're going. That's it. It went
Wait. i thought we used the last of the Band-Aids when you wanted to see what I'd look like with a mustache
Phil
Lem: Here's a Band-Aid. And there's your lady shoulder.
Linda: Just bring the specs to my desk. I'll be the one hoping I never hear the term "lady shoulder" ever again
Lem: Ted knows everything we do.
Phil: He's like a god. Only it hurts more when he judges us
My daughter is selling wrapping paper to raise money for her school. Whoever sells the most wins a trip to Disneyland. Second prize gets to cry while Rose and I go to Disneyland
Ted
Phil: I win! This is the most fun anyone has ever had with hypodermic needles.
Lem: It's not over yet. It's still wobbling. And it can't come out for at least a minute. Same rules as for losing your virginity
