Better Off Ted Season 1 Episode 5: "Win Some, Dose Some" Quotes
Linda: No, I can't be a chicken lady. I have so much I want to do in my life. I want to get married and have children and glue feathers to my back to mess with idiot scientists who are careless with experimental drugs.
Phil: You can still do all those things! Oh, wait
Ted: I sold more wrapping paper than you.
Veronica: That's not what we were competing over.
Ted: It was one of the things we were competing over.
Veronica: You're so competitive, it's sick.
Ted: Not as sick as you.
Veronica: That's right. I win... again
General McMillan: A body like a young Mark Spitz.
Ted: Well, thank you, General. I can't hear that enough. Although, five times is getting pretty close
Veronica: I've put Rose so far ahead there's no way anyone can catch her. Although, there's a 3% chance she could end up in jail.
Ted: Fine, you win.
Veronica: I like when that happens, and it happens a lot
Ted: You stole a baby?
Linda: Only for a few seconds. Turns out, just because you write your name on something doesn't mean you get to keep it.
Ted: Yeah, I think babies have to be notarized
But I know I could beat Veronica. At the company picnic, I beat her in a three-legged race. Although we both lost to something Phil and Lem created in the lab
Ted
Phil: Linda, you can't hurt a baby.
Lem: Well, you can hurt them. They're not indestructible.
Phil: I meant it's morally indefensible.
Lem: Well, what if the baby killed a man?
Phil: You and your moral puzzles. I just love 'em
Ted: We'll let Cynthia win. Come on. Mickey will wear her ears.
Rose: Thank you, Daddy. Could I sleep with the lights on tonight?
Ted: It was the ear thing, wasn't it?
Rose: Little bit
Veronica and I sold so much wrapping paper, not only are you going to Disneyland, but Mickey's gonna be wearing your ears on his head. Oh, wait. That's a horrifying image
Ted
You know how when you accidentally dose someone, like with an experimental energy patch, and you hope they'll sit quietly at their desks, but instead they wander around unnecessarily drawing attention to themselves? We've done something eerily similar to that
Lem
Ted: We work well together. Like Batman and...
Veronica: I'm Batman.
Ted: Well, it was my idea. I think...
Veronica: I'm Batman and Robin
Lem: Do you think wildly erratic emotions could be a residual effect of the energy patch?
Phil: Hard to tell. This is the problem when the company will only pay for testing on drunk frat guys
