No, no, it was a good thing. He saw me as a threat. I'm a scientist, Lem. I've been a threat to humanity, the environment, even Jupiter once. But never new to a hot girl's boyfriend.


Rose: I have an opinion about that.
Ted: Well, it's not up to you, honey. When you call the shots, we end up buying boats.
Rose: A boat. One time.
Ted: $140,000.
Rose: I think we're done here.

Linda: Well, have fun, you two. Don't do anything I wouldn't do! (whispers to Rebecca) There's nothing I wouldn't do.
Rebecca: I know. I was your roommate.

Veronica: You have to be smart to be an assistant. You have to be totally in sync with your magician. Know when to pull the wire, slip him the key, ice his nipples.
Ted: Well, after meeting Kristi, looks like Mordor's gonna have to pick a lock with flaccid nipples.

I'm thinking confidence may be one of those things people can't tell if you really have, or are just pretending to have, like the female orgasm.


I'm sorry, I won't call Veronica. She sawed my heart in half, and it wasn't one of those plastic hearts that come in two pieces in the kit with a pair of fake legs. Damn it. I keep telling people how my tricks are done.


Ted: So people are not loving the slapping.
Veronica: You think I like it? Touching all those strange faces--it's gross.
Ted: Plus, you could get fired. Plus, it's a weird-ass thing to do.
Veronica: Yes, Ted, I know. I shouldn't hit people on the staff. I've been hearing that since grade school.

Linda: So I'm setting you up with my friend Rebecca. She's beautiful and a veterinarian. so when you meet her, if you start trembling and pee on the floor, she'll be okay with it.
Ted: Well, it is my move.

Lem: The search engine found someone who looks exactly like you.
Phil: Oh, my god, this is amazing. It's like looking into some bizarre alternate universe where I can drive a bull and wear tall shows with throwing stars attached to them.
Lem: Those are boots with spurs.

I can't function here if people know that twice a month I put on half an ounce of spandex and hide a dove in my... let's just say it's not comfortable for me or the dove.


Now I fly to Vegas every other weekend to perform. For those two days, I don't have to be in charge of anything. It's a total release. All I have to do is please the man I love, and twice nightly lock him in a watertight drum, which also pleases me.


It can find the subject in a crowded stadium, in the background of home movies, security cameras, webcams. It's like having eyes everywhere, but not in a bad way, like that time we spilled that container full of eyes.


Better Off Ted Season 1 Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things


Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie