I got that vaporizer you told me about .

George

Jonathan: Oh my God! What is that?
Ray: I've got long foreskin. Not everybody is Jewish ya know.

Can you please look at my penis and tell me I'm an adult male.

Jonathan

My brain is attacking itself!

Ray

I think I may have the smallest penis in the world.

Jonathan

Jonathan: George, why are you having an affair with your ex-wife?
George: Because I've never fallen out of loved with her.

The meat packing district really has become Los Angeles.

Jonathan

Ray: How does that feel?
Jonathan: It feels comforting actually.
Ray: Does George have a nice ass?
Jonathan: It was very white.
Ray: I figured.

(to Stella) I thought you were happy with me and I found your G-spot and everything.

Jonathan

George is an idiot. But, his one decent trait is that he surrounded himself with decent people.

Richard

(to Jonathan) So how long have you been a private dick on the side?

Richard

Ray: Are you trying to break up with me?
Suzanne: Yes.
Ray: Why?
Suzanne: I'm sorry Ray, I'm just not happy.

Bored to Death Season 2 Quotes

I understand, we all need our secrets.

Stella

(to Jonathan) For what its worth, I read your first book - I'm not Jewish, but I liked it.

Cop friend