Brockmire
Wednesdays 10:00 PMBrockmire Quotes
Shirley: When doing good things stops feeling like a chore, then it can be Jim's time again.
Jim: Then I'll just be addicted to helping people. That just sounds like a lateral move to me. At best.
Jim: They're gonna fire Gabby?
Gus: Yeah, and could you do that for me because I'm not good at that stuff.
Gus: That broadcast was fantastic! I just got off the phone with the owners. They loved that two-inning riff on Bob Fosse's Cabaret and the way that you seamlessly dovetailed it right back into the game.
Jim: Well, the parallels between Anduhar and Sally Bowles? That was just low-hanging fruit. I mean, I can't be the first person who ever noticed that.
Gus: Well, they said that THIS is the quintessential Brockmire that they wanted when they hired ya. They're giving you solo booth.
Jim: OK. You're a blackhearted piece of shit who has done more coke that Stevie Nicks and David Crosby combined.
Matt the Bat: All true. Continue. [vomits profusely]
Jim: Oh God. The four luck... the four luckiest women in the world are the ones who managed to heave your aggressively sinewy body off of them long enough to divorce you taking with them the only part of you they actually loved, which was your money. Alright? But that's blood. We gotta get you to the hospital. As soon as we get you better, I'll tell you all about the time I fucked your sister.
Matt the Bat: Which one?
Jim: I gotta give you some reason to get better, now, don't I? Now, come on. Gus? I need you to call an ambulance.
Gus: [from a neighboring urinal] Okay.
Jim: Now, please, Assy Joe.
HOOOW DARE YOU?! HOW DARE YOU DATE SOMEONE WHO IS SOBER WHO ISN'T ME! All this time I thought you were just too damaged to handle my sobriety, but now I see I was just too young for ya. Now I see you JUST WANTED TO FUCK YOUR DAD!
Brockmire: No wonder we get along so well. I'm one of those straight men who has always preferred the company of lesbians.
Gabby: Oh, you mean like a dyke mike?
Brockmire: Yes, exactly.
Gabby: No, I just made that up. What you're describing does not exist.
Do you mind if I drink in front of you? If it's a trigger for you, I can put it in a paper bag or just take nips in the bathroom...
Jules
Brockmire: My only triggers are dive bars and the movies of Christopher Nolan.
Jules: That's right! You threw a whiskey bottle at my TV during Interstellar!
Brockmire: Interstellar. You know, I just want to be told a story at the goddamned movie. I don't want to be taught a lesson in how to solve the puzzle of what the hell I'm watchin'.
Yeah, can I get a pint glass of chardonnay? I know you don't do that, but it just means you haven't done it yet. You see, it's simple. You fill a pint glass full of ice and then charge me for your finest bottle of Chardonnay. Pour that bottle into the glass until it hits the brim. Then keep the bottle handy because I'm gonna need a buzz to make it through this lunch.
Jules
Jules: You know how I always had a crush on Crocodile Dundee growing up.
Brockmire: Yes, well George is very Paul Hogan-esque, I'll give you that.
The point is that Bob Costas fucked me and didn't even have the courtesy to finger my ass first.
Brockmire: I hope you and George go out and just get drunk as two skunks tonight.
Jules: Mmm. Nuh uh. No. George is sober.
Brockmire: Sober as in serious, like in how you would describe a heartened pilgrim woman named Goodie who watched all of her children die?
