Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Thursdays 8:00 PM on NBCBrooklyn Nine-Nine Season 8 Episode 2: "The Lake House" Quotes
Jake: Okay, you guys probably don't know this, but my parents got divorced when I was a kid, and it really messed me up.
Everyone: Yeah, we know.
Jake: What, do I talk about it a lot? It doesn't matter. The point is, we can't let that happen to Daddy Holt and Daddy Kevin.
Rosa: So we're just dispensing with subtext now?
Jake: Yes, this workplace is my family. Was that not clear? Holt is my dad; you're my mean older sister, Amy's my mom --
Amy: What?!
Jake: What? What did I say?
Amy: You said Amy is my mom!
Jake: Nobody said anything! We don't have time for this, Amy!
Rosa: How long is the drive up there? I want to time my edibles, so it kicks in right when we arrive. What?
Amy: Nothing! It's cool; I'm not gonna tell anybody. I'm not a narc.
Rosa: Alright, you can tell people.
Amy: Good, because I'm a narc.
Rosa: I'm not a cop anymore, and I have a prescription for anxiety, so it's legal. It'll be good for when all the drama starts.
Amy: Why do you think there's gonna be drama?
Rosa: Oh no, you're right. Whenever we go on one of these group trips, everything's totally normal, and there's never any big conflict. Anyway, I'm just gonna pop one of these now for no reason.
Charles: Well, at least you're doing the smart thing and asking for my help.
Amy: That is not what's happening.
Charles: Oh, I'm an expert, Amy. I basically raised ten nieces and nephews. I've done it all -- bottled, swaddled, and coddled. Let's just say you're definitely going to want my nip tips. Tips that nip a problem in the bud.
Amy: Why don't you just say tips?
Charles: Just the tips. Interesting.
Amy: Come on, man.
Terry: Tell me the plan; I want in!
Jake: What? You do?
Terry: Yeah, Terry loves love!
Jake: Then why didn't you back me up in there?
Terry: Because Terry also loves hedging.
Jake: Terry loves hedging? That's new.
Terry: No, it's classic Terry. Look, I always play both sides till the last possible minute; everyone knows that!
Jake: That's not fair. Everyone's so hard on me! I want a public show of support for my plan.
Terry: Can't do it. I don't know what's so tough for you to understand here. I love the scheme; I want to be a part of it. But I think it's gonna fail, and I don't want people to think I was a part of it.
Jake: Fine, I'll take what I can get.
Charles: You know, Amy, Mac's issues with sleeping might not be the light in the room; it might be the darkness in your heart.
Amy: Excuse me?!
Charles: Sorry, that was mean. I was trying to be poetic. It's important to be mindful of your energy when you're with an infant. Trust me; I'm sort of a natural mother.
Amy: Huh, yeah, natural mother fucker!
Jake: The Parent Trap worked! I can't wait to tell the squad.
Terry: Wait, wait! Let me give Kevin an EpiPen, and then we can tell them together!
Jake: Okay, whoa, whoa, pump the breaks there, Sonic.
Terry: What?
Jake: Sonic the Hedgehog? You've been hogging that hedge while I was out on a ledge! You didn't have to deal with anyone saying it was a bad idea, so you don't get the credit either. This was a hundred percent all me, Doctor Robotnik.
Terry: Who?
Jake: Sonic's arch-nemesis! You've never played a video game or watched a movie, Terry?! Get a life, dude!
Jake: The call that you made was for a scarlet warbler -- a trash bird!
Holt: Okay, so you made your point. I'm a trash man who only knows trash birds.
