Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Thursdays 8:00 PM on NBCBrooklyn Nine-Nine TV Quotes Quotes
Jake: The call that you made was for a scarlet warbler -- a trash bird!
Holt: Okay, so you made your point. I'm a trash man who only knows trash birds.
Jake: Okay, you guys probably don't know this, but my parents got divorced when I was a kid, and it really messed me up.
Everyone: Yeah, we know.
Jake: What, do I talk about it a lot? It doesn't matter. The point is, we can't let that happen to Daddy Holt and Daddy Kevin.
Rosa: So we're just dispensing with subtext now?
Jake: Yes, this workplace is my family. Was that not clear? Holt is my dad; you're my mean older sister, Amy's my mom --
Amy: What?!
Jake: What? What did I say?
Amy: You said Amy is my mom!
Jake: Nobody said anything! We don't have time for this, Amy!
Rosa: How long is the drive up there? I want to time my edibles, so it kicks in right when we arrive. What?
Amy: Nothing! It's cool; I'm not gonna tell anybody. I'm not a narc.
Rosa: Alright, you can tell people.
Amy: Good, because I'm a narc.
Rosa: I'm not a cop anymore, and I have a prescription for anxiety, so it's legal. It'll be good for when all the drama starts.
Amy: Why do you think there's gonna be drama?
Rosa: Oh no, you're right. Whenever we go on one of these group trips, everything's totally normal, and there's never any big conflict. Anyway, I'm just gonna pop one of these now for no reason.
Charles: Well, at least you're doing the smart thing and asking for my help.
Amy: That is not what's happening.
Charles: Oh, I'm an expert, Amy. I basically raised ten nieces and nephews. I've done it all -- bottled, swaddled, and coddled. Let's just say you're definitely going to want my nip tips. Tips that nip a problem in the bud.
Amy: Why don't you just say tips?
Charles: Just the tips. Interesting.
Amy: Come on, man.
Terry: Tell me the plan; I want in!
Jake: What? You do?
Terry: Yeah, Terry loves love!
Jake: Then why didn't you back me up in there?
Terry: Because Terry also loves hedging.
Jake: Terry loves hedging? That's new.
Terry: No, it's classic Terry. Look, I always play both sides till the last possible minute; everyone knows that!
Jake: That's not fair. Everyone's so hard on me! I want a public show of support for my plan.
Terry: Can't do it. I don't know what's so tough for you to understand here. I love the scheme; I want to be a part of it. But I think it's gonna fail, and I don't want people to think I was a part of it.
Jake: Fine, I'll take what I can get.
Charles: You know, Amy, Mac's issues with sleeping might not be the light in the room; it might be the darkness in your heart.
Amy: Excuse me?!
Charles: Sorry, that was mean. I was trying to be poetic. It's important to be mindful of your energy when you're with an infant. Trust me; I'm sort of a natural mother.
Amy: Huh, yeah, natural mother fucker!
Jake: Hey, so look, I'm really sorry about everything. I was projecting my insecurities onto you, and that was wrong. And I'd like to think I've done a lot of good as a detective and that I can continue to do that, but maybe I am part of the problem. Regardless, you're dealing with things in your own way, and I get that it's not on you to make me feel okay about my choices.
Rosa: Apology accepted. And just because our choices are different doesn't mean we're not family.
Holt: Do you know why I engaged in small talk with you earlier?
Amy: Because small talk is for strangers and con men, and that's what I am to you now -- a stranger.
Holt: No. I -- I did it because I am a con man. I was trying to con you into believing everything is normal with me when it is not. Kevin and I have separated.
Amy: Oh my god. Why?
Holt: It's been a tough year being a Black man. And a police captain. And a human. I've been pushed to the brink emotionally and physically. I went into survival mode, and it seems I have neglected my personal life.
Amy: Does anyone else know?
Holt: Not here. I have successfully hidden it for months. Not very well, I might add. I made small talk with Peralta on five separate occasions, and he never even batted an eye; he just blabbered on about someone named Wario.
Amy: Ugh, yeah, he does that.
Holt: But you... you noticed that something was off with me the very first day you returned. That just shows how well you know me. And while I'm not yet ready to talk about it, it's nice feeling like I'm not alone anymore. And that's thanks to you, Ramy.
Amy: Just so you know, I am not Ramy; we are Ramy.
Holt; Just be glad I said it.
Amy: Totally. Yes, I am. Thank you, sir.
Jake: Rosa, we came up together. We went to the academy together; we've had the exact same career. All we ever wanted was to be detectives! And yes, we've always known there were problems, but we would solve them together from the inside. So when you quit, yeah, it made me feel like you thought I was wrong for staying.
Rosa: Jake, my choice has nothing to do with you. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I gave up my career, my friends, my whole life -- but I did it because I couldn't ignore what I was a part of anymore. Couldn't ignore what the police are doing in my community to people who look like me.
Jake: I know. But not all of them. Not me.
Rosa: This isn't about you. And this case -- where a black woman was assaulted by the police -- has nothing to do with you either. So, if you're not here to help, if you're just here to prove a point, then, man, I don't think we should work together anymore. And I definitely don't think we're friends.
Amy: Ever since I came back, you've been acting distant. What happened to Ramy?
Holt: Ramy?
Amy: Ray and Amy. Ramy? It's what people call us.
Holt: I don't know a single person who's ever called us that.
Rosa: Something seemed off to me in O'Sullivan's rant.
Jake: How red he got? He looked like a candied apple with a widow's peak.
Captain: But an officer did break one of his fingers.
Rosa: Probably from tackling her to the ground.
Jake: Yeah, or from pointing it so hard at everyone but himself.
Rosa: Who are you performing this for, Jake?
Jake: Both of you guys.
